A Winter Morning

His eyes were fixed on the steam coming out of his morning coffee on this cold winter day. He was wearing a shawl over his night dress and sitting in the small garden in front of his holiday home.

Somehow, the steam reminded him of her breath on a winter morning. How she pretended to make rings of smoke from her breath and how she failed to do so. He could almost hear the music of her teeth clattering in the chilly wind. The morning colors just resembled the pink on her cheeks during those cold days.

He remembered how delicate, how fragile she looked when she cozied herself in a blanket. He remembered the warmth when she melted in his arms and he hugged her with all the passion.

He removed the shawl and kept it aside. The winter was not very cold any longer.

Purchasing Memories!

Oh! Oh! That little red toy car with remote control, I always wanted that. And that gun with shiny yellow and red lights which blink every time the toy is triggered, that's so pretty.
Oh! Wow! Cotton candy or Balloon, or maybe both.
But if he got both, he may not have enough money for the magic show ticket at the fair. He also wanted to buy some popcorn and a soda.

His dad was the CEO of a multi-million dollar empire; but he only got $10 for the trip to the city fair.

"Lesser the money you have, more the memories", his dad had said.

Collector's Edition

He clicked frantically in the park, taking pictures of the kids playing around.

The little one in yellow on slide, the twins in purple playing on the see-saw, the blue-eyed girl in the sand box, the chirpy three playing Hop-Scotch, the dare-devil on the swings, the ones running towards their parents, the ones running away from them.

A few parents got concerned on why a stranger is clicking snaps of their kids.
"Who are you?" They asked
"I am a collector.", he said, "I collect antiques."
"Why are you clicking our kids' photos", They questioned
"Not them; their smiles! It is going to be a rare commodity soon", He answered.

The Confusing Truth

The sound of judge's gavel stopped the murmurs in the court room.

"Confident of his wife's betrayal, the accused shot his wife in their own bed. The weapon of murder has already been submitted to the court. It is a cold hearted murder", argued the prosecution.

"Out of her guilt of betraying her husband, she had already consumed the poison when her husband entered the room to shoot her. The post-mortem report has already been provided to the court. It was a suicide", countered the defence counsel.

The judge knew that both the counsels were right and he knew both the possible judgments would be wrong.

Truth can be confusing, at times!!

प्यार का पहला ख़त।

Here is my attempt to add some verses to the maestro - Jagjit Singh's magical work, प्यार का पहला ख़त


हमने खयालो में रहने की, मोहलत मांगी है,
इश्क के ख्वाबों को बुनने में, वक़्त तो लगता है...

आँखों के रस्ते से उनके, दिल को पढना था,
बंद किताबों को खुलने में, वक़्त तो लगता है...

छोटा सा कोई किस्सा नहीं यह, दास्तान अपनी है,
लम्बी कहानी के बनने में, वक़्त तो लगता है...

मीलों का रस्ता तो कट गया, तुमसे मिलने को,
आखरी चार कदम चलने में, वक़्त तो लगता है...

नये परिंदों को उड़ने में, वक़्त तो लगता है...

Independent Man

All his life, he had never been dependent on others. He was a self made man, worked his way from the bottom and finished at the bottom.
It was not that he did not want to be dependent on others; just that he never had that liberty. He had no relatives, no friends; a few acquiantances from the regular naggings of neighbours and abuses of colleagues.
He himself did not care to make friends, considering that he has just enough time to survive himself.
Today was going to be no different. Why was a small thing like death going to change his practice of a lifetime.
He finished digging the grave himself, entered it, and rested in peace.

Thank you men!

I am a woman.

I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a wife; but I am more than that. I am me.

Every time I achieve a new milestone, I get a bit more appreciation than my other counterpart; because I am a woman.

Even in a crowded street with no breathing space, men ensure I am not pushed around; because I am a woman.

When I enter a general compartment of a Local train, more often than not, someone gets up and offers me a seat; because I am a woman.

I have special reservations everywhere, right from school admission to job selection to ladies compartment to parliament; because I am a woman.

I get away with bad driving, scratching someone else's car and at times, even minor accidents; because I am a woman.

My colleagues don't mind taking over my part of job at late evenings because they know I juggle between the kid and my job; because I am a woman.

I can express all my emotions when I want to and the way I want to, unlike my male counterparts; because I am a woman.

While every case where the male counterparts make my life difficult is analyzed and highlighted with a microscope; no one takes time to highlight the million cases where they try to make my life easier.

Here is to those millions of heroes who make it easier for me, a small gesture at a time!!!

Because I'm happy

He had a skip in his walk and a smile on his face. He was brimming with radiance and spreading his positive vibes around.
He picked up a bouquet from the road side florist and left the change as tip.
This was so unlike him; He was always worried, always tensed, saving every single penny, complaining about everything in life: the weather, the politics, the driver ahead. He was nagging and cribbing and frustrated.
But not today; today he was different.
He rang the doorbell and his wife opened the door. She was surprised, partly because he was home early and partly to receive her first bouquet in last 5 years of marriage. "What's the occasion?"
"I quit my job"
"WHAT? You quit your job? Without a new one in hand? You did not even discuss this with me. The rent is overdue, there are unpaid bills and we no longer have a steady income. Why are you grinning?"
"Because I'm happy"

The Delivery Man

He needed this break desperately. His work was taking its toll on his body and his mind. He had difficult days and sleepless nights.

The constant yelling and screaming and pleading during his work echoed around him all round the clock. Nobody appreciated his task and no one was happy with this delivery.

Sure; there was money; but was it worth all this effort, this pain?

He stared calmly at the sun setting in the sea and closed his eyes to listen to the calm sound of waves fading in the sand.

Two days of break and all his doubts were gone. He was fresh and ready to go to work. He already had two contracts for killing.

Delivering death was a tough job, but he was up for it.

He said, she said

He kept silent. He did not want to but he did. He wanted to tell her to stop; to not go; to not leave him behind; to not leave him alone; He wanted to tell her that she was the most important person in his life. He wanted to tell her that she meant everything to him and that he could do anything just to be with her.
But he didn't. There was no use of this when she had already decided to move to another city. He would simply make her and himself sad by opening up.
She kept silent. She had decided she would keep silent. She had always expressed her feelings about how she liked him and how she found him a great friend. She had given more than enough of hints. However, his answer was always this silence. She had understood that she was not very important in his life. Expressing her feelings would only make this parting difficult for him and for herself.
"Goodbye", said he. "Take care", said she.

Bell-curve

"These things do happen. Life is not fair. You did not fit the bell curve. I did the best that I could", said his boss with the fake compassion and concern that all bosses in the world master by default.

He did not utter a single word and walked back to his desk. A couple of his colleagues came to his desk with consolation and mockery of him wasting his time and effort by giving 100% to the job role when the company does not care.

One of them said, "If only you had spent time in office politics and boss management instead of slogging off, you would have got that rating as well as the promotion that you deserve."

He just ignored them and opened an excel sheet on his workstation. He put in the names and ran the bell curve.

His supervisor did not fit the bell curve of people he wanted to live.

Heartbreak

He stole a glance at the re-adjusted centre mirror of the car and back to the road. The drive from Mumbai to Pune was never this long and definitely not this tiring.
His friend on the front passenger seat shuffled the song on the music player. "My love is all I have to give", sang the famous Backstreet Boys lead singer.
He tried his best to keep his eyes on the road; but they seemed to go back to the centre mirror.
There she was, her head on his shoulder. The mirror further broke his heart by saying "Objects are closer than they appear"
Brakes are better than heartbreaks, he thought.
Next day's newspaper headlines read - Reckless truck driver hits car from behind: Passengers in rear seat dead

It's over!!!

"It's over", said the girl on the phone walking ahead of me. I could spot her struggle to stop tears from finding its way out of her eyes.
I thought about how brutal today's relationships were. How fast paced today's lifestyle and generation was. We had extremes of all emotions. Break-ups were happening on phone, maybe even over messages. Was it genuinely love if it was over so easily? Was the relationship not even worth the effort to be given an honorable death by meeting in person?
"It's over sweetheart, it hurt a bit but the dentist said I should be fine in a couple of hours", said she again breaking my chain of thoughts.

उम्मीद

एक उम्मीद नयी नयी मरीज़ है
समझ नहीं आ रहा क्या मर्ज़ है
चाह मर चुकी है उसकी जीने की
उसकी नब्ज़ में सुई चुभो के
वक़्त का कतरा कतरा चढ़ाकर
उसको जिंदा रखा है

शायद उसको बचा सके कुछ करके
बस कोई थोड़े सहारे की गोलियां
चंद मीठी बातों की बूटी
कूट पीस के घोल मिला कर
बहला फुसला कर उसे पीला दे
तो शायद उम्मीद कायम रहे

और ना भी बची तो क्या?
आये दिन ऐसी कितनी उम्मीद
दुनिया की भीड़ में कुचल पीस के,
लहुलुहान सी तड़प तड़प के
यूँही दम तोड़ देती है

तेज़ ज़िन्दगी में कहा किसीको
मातम मनाने का वक़्त मिले
उम्मीद की लाश को पीछे छोड़
लोग बढ़ जाते है हताश से आगे
पर अब जब इतने वक़्त के कतरे
इस उम्मीद पे जाया किये है
तो इस उम्मीद को मरने मत देना
जिंदा रखना इस उम्मीद को

Lover's point

"Smile please", she said cheerfully.
It was an ideal vacation spot at this time of the year. The cool wind blowing on the mountain top; the tender sunrays reflecting in the clear sky; the lush green in backdrop of valley at the edge of the cliff and no one in sight except for the two of them. No wonder this was called 'Lover's Point'.
He stood at the edge of the cliff in a pose as if he had conquered the world. The wind ruffled his hair and made him look like an 80's bollywood star. He gave the broadest possible smile like one of those actors in toothpaste commercials.
*Click* The photo was excellent, better than she had expected.
She went near him, smiled, and said, "Goodbye". Before he could even react, he tripped over the edge by the sudden push.
She could frame the picture on her wall permanently now.

Epidemic

It was not as if she was not aware of it. She always knew she was going to start the chain reaction. Afterall, it does spread with contact.
And yet she carelessly roamed around the office from desk to desk greeting every person.
Most people got affected immediately. Some resisted for a couple of minutes but could not resist any more.
It was visible on people's faces. Their facial expressions changed; their lips started curving almost instanteneously.
The epidemic had spread. Her smile truly was contagious.

God's favorite

She prayed to God that it should not rain. She was just able to hold her nerves with the big presentation due today. Nothing was going her way.
The white top she wanted to wear had a big stain at the center. Her car refused to start despite her numerous attempts and she had to walk a quarter mile in her high heels before she got a cab. There could not be a worse day in her life yet. And to add to it, the clouds were forming in the sky.
The clouds were forming in the sky. He prayed to God for it to rain. His kids would starve if his small farm did not get the required rain.
It did not rain. Seems like God also has favorites.

Newton simplified!

First of all, let me confess this. I am not a scientist nor an engineer; heck I did not understand most of physics when I needed to in high school too.

Having that out of our way now, let me explain to you about how I understand Newton's law of motion.

First law: When viewed in an inertial reference frame, an object either remains at rest unless acted upon by an external force.

The object is me. On a Sunday. On my couch. I will remain in Inertia (constant state of rest) unless acted upon by an external force; which is my family ofcourse.
The external force can be verbal:
Get up and take a bath you Ogre
Go and get those chips yourself
No I am not going to pass the remote
Or Non-verbal:
Switching of the fan
Taking away the tv remote
Cleaning the fan in the room so that dust floats around like snowflakes on your head

Second law: F=ma. The vector sum of the forces F on an object is equal to the mass m of that object multiplied by the acceleration vector a of the object. (F/m=a)

A Maruti 800 has very less weight as compared to others; so does the 185 year old gentleman driving the car. Thus; the force required by him to gain the acceleration necessary in first lane is too much. Beyond capabalities of his car or him.
Yet he refuses to move out of the lane which requires a different experiment and law to understand.
Adding external Force to this by honking like a maniac from behind may increase the acceleration.

Third law: When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body.

This is precisely proven in a Mumbai local train. Every verbal abuse you give is met by an equal abuse by the opposite party. Similarly, every push you give, every nudge, will be met by equal and definitely opposite force.

That was a quick science lesson for you. Do let me know if you wish to learn any other complicated Science Voodoo stuff.

Tuesday Blues

My phone rang the fifth time. I answered it this time.
"Where the hell are you?", yelled my boss on the other side.
"At home", I said calmly.
"And why are you not in office?", he was at the verge of explosion.
"I'm boycotting Mondays", I said as assertively as possible.
"That's ridiculous", he snapped, "You can't do that".
"But I can and I am doing it!", I said half mockingly.
He disconnected the phone without further argument. The news spread in the office. People first joked, then thought and then agreed. The idea spread. People stayed home. In our small way, we succeeded in boycotting Mondays.
Now I feel bad for Monday. Today is Tuesday morning and I am having Tuesday blues. I realized it was never Monday's fault.

Superpower

There I was; tied; unable to breakfree. I could not rescue myself despite all the efforts. The pain was killing me, slowly but surely. I had absolutely no idea on how will I survive. The bondages were too strong; I was too weak.
Then a tear fell from my eye, followed by another and another and another. The ropes holding me down started burning. I cried, weeped, wailed. The ropes snapped and I was free.
I learned crying was my superpower, it could free me whenever I wanted.

Living with Hope

There she was, lying alone on the government hospital bed. The past few months flashed by in her memory like a movie show. The romance, the false promises, the moment of weakness, the denial and the loneliness. Some thought it was a very brave decision for her to go through this all on her own; others thought she was ruining her life. Her family did not have any opinion on this; nor did they want to have anything to do with her. Indifference, they say, is the worst form of rejection.
And he? He was just looking for some fun. "A baby? Are you out of your mind? You are not even my type", he said.
The emotional turmoil and mental depression was taking over her again. She felt as if the easiest way to get over this was to embrace death.
The voice suddenly broke her thoughts. "What will you name her?", said the nurse.
"Hope", she said.

Monday Blues

He crashed himself on the sofa in his shorts with his bowl of cereals. Without turning to his side; he let his hand fall on the remote to start the Tom & Jerry morning show.
Yes, it was a Monday and no, he was not going to take a bath right now. He was free to be lazy on his sofa or to sleep till noon or to watch tv the whole day or to loiter around the city as he pleased.
However; knowing that it was a Monday made him feel captive. All the friends he met on weekend would be back in their offices today. So, it would be no friends and no job again for the entire week. It was not all that appealing to be the only unemployed guy amongst all friends.
He was having Monday blues again.

The reason

She was torn between rationale and emotions; between the heart and the mind.
Maybe her friends were right. He was definitely not a greek god or a hollywood star. Calling him average looking may be a bit generous. And her family members were not wrong in their opinion too. She did earn a lot more than him.
Why did she want to be with him anyways? She could definitely find someone better; more suitable as they put it.
Her thoughts were disturbed by the buzzing sound of her cell phone vibration. She checked the message which had just come in. "I love you :)" - it said.
She smiled and kept the phone back in her purse. She knew exactly why she wanted to be with him.

आज़ाद शहर

इस शहर में भीड़ बहुत है।

इधर उधर घूमते फिरते जाने कितने लोग
यूँही मील जाते है, दौड़ते भागते,
मानो खुदसे ही आगे निकलने की कोशिश में हो
पर फिरभी कभी सुबह की दौड़ के लिए
कोई साथ चाहिए तो साथ नहीं मिलता

बड़ी बड़ी इमारतों में बसते लोग
मानो कई कसबे, कुछ ग़ाव, दो चार मोहल्ले
जोड़ दिए हो साथ में
मगर जाने क्यों यहाँ कोई वक़्त बेवक़्त
यूँही दरवाज़ा खटखटाकर चीनी नहीं मांगता

जब चलते हुए सड़क पर ठेस लग जाती है,
कोई यहाँ हाथ पकड़ कर सड़क किनारे
पेड़ की छाव में बिठाता नहीं
ना ही कोई थोड़ी सी हल्दी ला कर घाव पर
जोर से भीस के दबा देता है
लोग बस गुज़र जाते है पास से

वह चौराहे के पेड़ के नीचे बैठे ताऊ,
वह पड़ोस से चिल्ला कर आवाज़ लगाती मौसी,
वह नुक्कड़ की दूकान वाले चाचा,
वह सारे भैया; सब भौजाई;
यह सब कोई रिश्तो का बंधन नहीं यहाँ;
बड़ा आज़ाद है यह शहर;

कभी कभी अकेलापन लगता है यहाँ;
पर ज्यादातर इस शहर में भीड़ बहुत है।

- प्रियांक शाह

Five conversations on your birthday

If you are young (as young as me atleast :P) and in India, these are five conversations you are bound to come across on your birthday.

- Hi there! Happy Birthday
There will be forgotten friends and aunts and uncles who will ressurrect themselves on your birthday just to wish you. And rest back in oblivion again for the next one year.
Specially with advent of facebook; there would be people you don't know and who don't know you getting happy on your birthday.

- Have a Blast
That's the most common greeting now a days! And it is alright if you are anywhere else in the world but when you are in Mumbai and someone tells you to have a blast, you just imagine an unattended bag in the train going BOOM!!!!
Not a right greeting, is it?

- Where's the party?
This is a mandatory question.
Dude, your birthday was just two days back and there was no party!!! DOESN'T MATTER
Lady, you are somewhere in the iced igloo of Alaska and I am in the tropical desert in India! WHO CARES?
You are the loner who doesn't even like parties. You crib about cooties and too many people when there are 3 people having dinner... NOT VALID POINT
Crux of the matter -》Party to banti hai!!!

- What Plans??!!
That is the next question asked by everyone. And dare you say 'Nothing as such, usual day'...
Their eyes will pop out and they will get breathless; some weak-hearted might even faint. How can you not have special plans on your birthday? It's not like you can make plans on others days too; you can make them only on birthdays, right?

- Deciding your future
This is predominantly done by family members but some friends are also lame enough to be in this clan.
Oh! You are 24; now you should get married; it's about time...
Oh! 28, so planning for a child? It's about time...
If you have any such relatives, next time when it's their birthday, try this!
Oh! 58, have you made your will? It's about time...

Anyways, people are as they are! Can't help it... Waiting for all these conversations to happen once again with me!!

Wasting time

She opened the book with shine in her eyes and excitement in her heart. She chewed the words one by one, relishing their feel on her tongue and their taste in her heart. She plunged into the story and engulfed herself into each character as they came to life in her mind. She was the protagonist at times, fighting off the bandits or the villian plotting against the innocent. She felt the romance developing in the heart of the leading lady and the pain that the kid in the story felt on losing a beloved. She bit her nails on the suspense and a shiver ran down her spine on the cruel climax. She did not just read the book; she lived it.
He went for the movie that was inspired from the same book. Ingenious that he was, he completed the task in two hours as against the week that she took. "Reading is such a waste of time", he said. The taste of popcorn was what lingered in his mouth when he left the cinema hall.

Finding Peace

"Damn", he cursed as the ear-plugs dropped out of his ears. They don't fit too well in my ears, he thought.

The chirping of the birds in the garden he jogged filled the air. It was as if they were all summoning the morning and embracing the first rays with their voices. The sound of laughters of elderly who had gathered for their morning laughter club regime blended well into the affable sounds of the bells on the kids' cycles. There were various "Good Morning"s floating in the air from the other joggers.

He picked up the fallen earplug and thrust it back in his ear to stop the noise around and for some peace while jogging.

Gender Discrimination

"Dekh ke chalo naa, Idiot!!", he yelled at the girl who brushed her shoulder against his on the crowded railway platform. The girl was shocked, people around smirked, some put their finger on the side of their forehead to indicate that he had lost it; loose screw as they say.

Another lady confronted him and asked, "Kya problem hai? bheed me lag jaata hai".   To this he said, "Itni samajh tab kaha jaati hai jab aap kisi ladke ko yehi kehte ho"

A passerby went to the guy and said, "Chhod na bhai, hum ladko ki koi izzat nahi hoti; Izzat to sirf inki hi hoti hai."

Reunited Friends

He was all excited to meet them; the old college gang getting together after almost a decade. The inseparable five during the college would reunite.
There was so much to share, so much to know, so much to discuss, stuff during these years.
He tried fitting in the old college sweat-shirt but his gave up when the worn threads started breaking.
Reaching the venue before time, he waited looking at every person entering the café. Twenty minutes after the scheduled time, they were all there.
They exchanged pleasantries and asked about updates. The usual discussion of jobs and spouses and kids subsided in half an hour.
They looked at each other in an uncomfortable silence and with a formal smile on their faces. The common topics and the planned talks had all exhausted.
The friends had reunited but the friendship had not.

Small Desires

Soft toy; he thought; or maybe a small chocolate. Maybe just a bunch of flowers. He imagined her eyes brighten at the unexpected gift and smile breaking on her expressionless face. Afterall, she had been understanding and uncomplaining for the past one year.
BANG! Landed the new files on his desk. 'Happy Anniversary', he whispered, and immersed himself in the pile of files.

Forced Relation!

They were together all night long. He had not moved for hours; deeply engrossed in the embossed ink on the rolled wood. The smell of fresh pages blending with the morning dew made it even more enchanting. The world was lost to him and he was lost in the world of the book.

It was truly a romantic experience till he was told he will be tested on the book.

"Commitment?", he said, "Our's was a carefree love; not the one of obligations."

And their love was never the same again.

Why women baffle men?

We have discussed the rules of men world in my previous blog. Here, I am trying to highlight 10 things about women that baffle men. These are the reasons it is so difficult to understand women!

Men will completely understand and agree to this. Women, take this is sporting spirit and do provide some answers if you can.

Well, here we go. 10 things that men dont understand about women.

1. The Pack of Wolves syndrome

This is the biggest mystery of all times. Why do women travel in packs to restroom? I always imagine a secret portal to another world from inside the washroom which requires 2 or more people. What else can explain this phenomenon?
For men, they don't even talk to best friends inside washroom. Peeing is personal. For women, even if you have met another girl just 15 mins back, you will invite her to the loo with you.
I mean seriously, what's the deal. You don't even need to hold anything for which you may need assistance.
This is as big a mystery as Bermuda Traingle or the Malaysian Plane.

Tip for Guys: With all the ladies gone to the restroom, this is the apt time to check out the "stock market" in the room; if you know what I mean.

2. National Sport of Bitching

You bitch about friends, family, colleagues, celebrities, heck you even bitch about strangers.
There is no reason to talk badly about a girl that you saw across the room, no reason at all. She is not trying to steal your friends, or your man, or your job, she’s doing her own thing. So, what do you do? Find something wrong with her to bitch about obviously.
And the funniest part is, when the bitching partners change, the bitcher becomes the bitched about.

Tip for guys: Do not get involved in these conversations. Unless your name is Tiger Shroff, and you are gay. But in such case, it is most likely that you are the topic of bitching. So, avoid anyways.

3. The need to change your guy

I have seen lot of my friends succumb to this. Don't drink naa Babu! Why do to have to wear that tshirt Jaanu? Let's go to that social gathering instead of meeting your friends, Sweetu.
If you are so obsessed with your choices alone, you might as well go and have a relationship with yourself. Your guy is not a dog and you do not need to potty-train him.

Tip for Guys: Next time she tells you to change the shirt, you tell her to do the same and pick up the one that she wore just yesterday. If you survive the nagging, you are home. Try this a couple of times to get rid of this pain forever.

4. Shopping is Doping

Shopping for guys:
Need a black shirt > Go to nearest mall and enter the shop nearest to entry point > Pick the first black shirt and get it billed
Shopping for girls:
Need a black shirt > Take your guy along as he needs to drive you there > Go to a random market with no parking > Like the first shirt you saw but do not buy > Check 11 more shops for collection > Purchase 2 pair of shoes and a handbag while your guy is still struggling for the parking space > come back and tell the guy that you need to go to other market (But I just got parking space; Damnit) > Go to the other market and by the exact same shirt you liked in shop 1

Tip for Guys: Find the nearest watering holes at all markets. Grab a drink n relax while the lady does shopping.

5. Am I looking fat in this?

You just bought that 2 weeks back. How big can you get in two weeks?
There's the mirror, if you think you are fat, you probably are.
Not just in this. You look fat is everything. Its not the dress; its you.
(Pause of 15 seconds) I don't think so
No you are looking the usual
No you are not (eyes on the tv)
All of the above are wrong answers. Seriously, why do girls ask this question. Do you think men are better judge of fashion that you? Look in the mirror and decide.
And by the way, you should have thought about this when you finished that cake which I was eyeing.

Tip for Guys: The answer is NO. ALWAYS. And it should be blurted out in 3.52 seconds of the completion of question. Thank me when this saves your life.

6. "Time of the month" Symptoms

I understand that women have difficult life and that those days of menstrual cycle are painful and irritating. However, what's with throwing all the tantrums on others? It's not like we are responsible for this. Neither can we do anything to stop it. So while we can understand it is difficult for you, it does not give you right to make it as difficult for us.

Tip for Guys: Keep Safe Distance. However, if you get caught on the wrong side, do the right thing. Remember,  don't think about no action for 4 days; cuz if you do, there are high chances of no action for a long looong time.

7. The creep jerk binary

Oh! Look at that guy staring at me. Such a creep. That guy totally ignored us, he is such a jerk.
So any guy who smiles at you is a creep and who doesn't is a jerk. I understand the need to feel safe in a public place but not every guy who gives you a smile wants to rape you.
During my trip to Paris, I realized something important. It is ok to greet a stranger with a casual Good Morning. You can compliment a lady for her smile without sounding like a creep. People do take compliments at face-value without finding random meanings out of it.
Women in India need to definitely learn this.

Tip for Guys: Guys in India also need to learn this. Every woman who gives you a smile does not need to be described as "kya mast line de rahi hai!". Stop acting like a creep that the women think we are. Take the smile at its face value. The world is a better place if you do so.

8. Click me till you drop

Oh! we are having a sandwich. This is such a photo moment.
I am in a washroom? Selfie!!
Its the beach. Forget the sunset; click me.
Bhaisaab, ek photo lenge please.

Unbelievable self obsession! And what's more, there are just 3 standard poses. The duck-face selfie; the "Push bust in back and breasts in front" pic and the hand on the hip pose. You can change multiple backgrounds but the pose does not change. Why can't they just get 5 pics clicked and photoshop the backgrounds behind. Its Sasta, Sundar, Tikaao rasta.
Moreover, only clicking a snap is not enough. You need to show it to them and they will rate your photography skills. And there will be Re-Do. Again and again and again, till their eyes are open and hair is proper and neck is at 12.5° angle from the torso and the pulled-in breath in an attempt to look thin is not obvious.

Tip for Guys: If its a leisure trip, get high. That's the only thing which can give you strength to survive.

9. Ewwww, that's so dirty! Syndrome

Guys are very chivalrous. Hence, when in company of girls, they will try to put things subtly. There will be statements like "Check out 9 oclock", "Buns are hot", "Stop being a John Terry", " Be Ronaldo, go score".
What is the whole ewwwww deal? If you thought about some dirty meaning of those statements, it's you who is corrupt, not us. If you understand the meanings, either ignore or enjoy. But why ewwwww???

Tip for Guys: No matter how understanding your girl is, do not make direct statements. This euphemism is social protocol that you need to adhere to. Cuz anything you say or do can be used against you during a future argument.

10. Hostile Takeover Syndrome

The guy is peacefully sitting on the couch watching a football match. The girl comes in.
Whatcha watching? Real Madrid vs Barcelona
Oh, who is that? Bale
I did not know Christian Bale played football? That's Gareth Bale
Oh! Are they brothers? No
Well, has he acted in any movie. He can totally act in one. He looks pretty handsome.  No he has not acted in any movie.
Who is winning? Its 0-0
So you are watching this since 20 mins and there is nothing happening? Lemme see what's on the other channels. You can keep checking the score in between.
Wha...How...Where....When did that happen???
And it's not just home. Ever seen at pub where four guys sitting at a table discussing something and suddenly a lady comes in? Whatcha boys talking about? And within 5 minutes, no one has a clue what they are talking about.

Tip for Guys: Confuse them. When they ask you whatcha doing, start explaining the complex game strategies and bore them to the point that they get up and leave. I know, I'm a genius

P.S.: Not all women fall into all of the above categories. I need to put this disclaimer to survive.

Constitutional Definitions for Dummies

Considering the election fever and the sudden interest of youth in country's well being; I would like to attempt to reiterate a few fundamental definitions with my understanding of it. You are free to accept, reject, agree or disagree to it.

So here are 5 definitions which I think need to be revisited. We can add more post these are understood by everyone.

1. EQUALITY: the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, or opportunities.

My understanding: Equality is a state where both parties walk hand in hand, eye to eye (not the hilarious song eye to eye. WHAT?? YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THAT SONG?? Stop reading this, go to youtube, listen to eye to eye - Taher shah. And no, I am not related to him at all). But well, I am deviating. So equality is about being at same level.
Thus, when you make special provisions for a particular gender; you are making the base assumption that they are not equal and hence need special support. Special coaches / reservations is not equal.

2. SECULAR: not connected with religious or spiritual matters.

My understanding: Secularism is not to be confused with Minority appeasement. Secularism does not recognize religion. So when you say that a particular religion is minority; it is not secularism; at the most Idiotism.
As Shri Nana patekar says in Krantiveer, "Bata isme Hindu ka khoon kaunsa hai aur musalmaan ka, jab banaanewale ne fark nahi kiya to tum kaun hote ho fark karnewale". Quotas based on religion are against secularism.

3. JUSTICE: the process or result of using laws to fairly judge and punish crimes and criminals

My understanding: The key word here is 'using laws'. Thus, Shahrukh khan killing Shilpa Shetty in Baazigar was not justice. ( It may have been the only time KKR wins over RR, but not justice). Going on hunger strikes or vandalizing public property in the name of justice is not only wrong, but also contributor to injustice for various affected parties.
At the worst it is 'Gunda-raj'; at the best, an uprising; but not justice in either case.

4. LIBERTY: Freedom of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship

My understanding: It is not a brand of footwear endorsed by Hrithik Roshan; well it is, but not in this context. It is giving freedom to a person to act on his own till it is in purview of law.
Thus, arresting and vandalising people for facebook status or comment is NOT liberty. Attacking a person for his faith in one religion is not liberty. Restricting people of country from owning land in certain state is not liberty.

5. DEMOCRACY: A system of government by the whole population or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives.

My understanding: It is a system where every stakeholder's opinion matters. In case where the stakeholders disagree, the majority would determine the course of action. It is also the reason, Himesh Reshamiya can torture people with his movies, but that's a separate discussion area.
Thus, when a particular stakeholder wants to support one ideology, you MAY NOT call him names rhyming with retard. You may argue, debate and attempt to convince, but all in the spirit of democracy. You may also not abuse and insult the representatives you yourself had selected. Criticism is ok, Abusing is not.

If you have any different opinions on these definitions, they are welcome. However, remember that its a democracy and hence I have liberty to share my opinion. You may do justice to the blog by commenting below. :)

10 commandments between men

My train trips to office are leaving me with some spare time and that results in you suffering with my frequent blogs.

Having said that, I received a lot of queries on the commandment I mentioned in the previous write up; ok not a lot; a few; ok just 3. However, I have listed down below the top 10 unmentioned commandments or rules followed between guys.

10. The Blush Crush Commandment

You do not demean or insult a guy in front of his crush or the lady who makes him blush. You rather praise him, improve his chances even though you know he doesn't stand a chance.
You are not ruled by this commandment if you yourself like the chick and are in the game!!!

9. The Sport Talk Continuum Commandment

A dude will never walk away from a sport talk. If its sport, you have to be there. If you have the knowledge, contribute, else learn. The only exception to this is when a bro has a date and needs to rush. After all, sports does have repeat telecast.
Bylaw to this is; a guy will always confirm with all others included in the discussion before revealing the final score of previous night's match. 24 hours time is universally given to coverup for missed matches.

8. Traffic signal commandment

While waiting at the signal, a guy will get his car hood as close to the front car's bumper as possible. He will also start honking instanteneously the moment signal turns green.
You think this is nuisance?? Random?? Ignorant??
It is not. It is for the greater good. It is for that person sitting 10 cars behind who will not make it past the signal otherwise. We believe in helping all men all the time.

7. The Car Etiquette Commandment

If three guys are sharing the backseat of a car, none of the guys are allowed to spread their arms behind the other guys to increase space. If you are driving some other guy's car, do not change the preset rear view mirrors, seat, radio stations. This rule can be relaxed if the difference of weight between two drivers is 43 kgs or more.

6. The Pinky Promise Commandment

Remember those childhood pinky promises? You did not break it under any circumstances. The exact same strong bond applies here.
A guy does not screw up other guy by telling his secrets to parents, siblings or wife.
No smoking habits, drinking habits, extra marital affairs can be reveals to blood or marriage relations.
If you have a conflict to settle with the guy; do it like a man; by sticking weird notes on his office desk. But no involving family.

5. Bros before... err... ahem... women

Founded by Michael Scott and made famous by the legen...wait for it... dary Barney Stinson; this rule does not need any explanation.
You will choose a bro over the lady, no matter how hot, when a bro is in need.
For dogs it is Owner before Boner; For men it is Bros before Hoes.

4. One Urinal Gap Commandment

If you subscribe to my blog (which I doubt), you would have come across this commandment earlier.
One does not simply checkmate another guy in the urinal. You leave a gap of one between two occupied comfort stations; always!
Corollary to that is No eye contact. To make it easier to remember, the golden rule is; Zipper down, eyes down.

3. Die before you cry

Tears?? Who me??? You must be joking. Men do not cry; they may precipitate from eyes or sweat from retina. But they simply do not cry.
The exceptions are when your club loses the cup or when your team wins a cup after almost a decade (relevant only for Arsenal fans!!) or when a sports legend retires or when Goku dies! You gotta cry when Goku dies.

2. The Birthday Wish Commandment

A guy is not required to remember other guy's birthday (or anybody's birthday for that matter). A guy may however wish the other friend on facebook or any other social media if he comes to get knowledge of the birthday. A phonecall may be made to wish birthday; but discussion on or surrounding birthday should not last for more than 30 seconds.
Sample Conversation:
"Dude, Happy bday"
"Thanks mate"
"What plans?"
"Nothing major"
"Cool. Did you see the 'Loser-pool messing up again match' yesterday?"

1. Do not show! Do not tell!

Under no circumstances, including but not limited to apocalypse, is it appropriate for a guy to talk about his or any other guy's; well; undercarriage. You do not describe, do not compare,  do not talk, do not peep, do not mention. This includes discussing the innerwear brands you use. If you accidentally brush past another guy's 'joystick' while walking; you continue walking without turning back or apologizing.
You can, however, use the reference to drive home point which is in terms of metaphor like "balls to you", "have some balls", "don't think from your little brain".

What angers the guys!!

It seems like the season of numbering and listing down various items and I wish to give my contributions to the cause.

So, here are 8 sure ways of pissing off a guy. TRY ANY OF THE BELOW AT YOUR OWN RISK.

1. Standing between a man and the sport getting telecasted on the T.V.

Ever happened to you that your favourite team is dribbling the ball towards their goal post when your mom appears between you and the T.V. discussing the evening menu while you can hear the excitement in the commentary converting to pure adrenaline when your team scores and you miss the goal? Surely angers you, doesn't it?

2. Getting fashion comment from another dude

I don't care if my shirt is too wrinkled or my tshirt doesn't match my pants. You are lucky enough that I am actually wearing pants. Do not comment on my fashion style, or hair style. Only acceptable comment is a compliment on my watch or shoes if I am wearing any. NO! COMPLIMENT ONLY UNDIES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE!

3. Check-mate at the men's room

You enter the washroom to find that there are 3 urinals. And some jerk is peeing in the middle urinal!!!

Such blasphemy! Utter social disregard!
One simply does not break the One Urinal Gap Commandment.

4. Waiting outside/inside an all women shopping store

We are not your free porters to accompany you to those random women stores where you shop till you drop and we spend our precious time trying to avoiding head on collisions,  shoulder brushes, elbows cuts, knee kicks, rabbit punches and random stunts.

If you have the strength to roam around the store for 2 hours; you definitely have the strength to carry the bags home.

5. Women saying "It's just a game"

Is your favorite Steve Madden just shoes?
Is Hugh Grant's romantic scene is Nottinghill just another scene?

When we don't comment on your choices (nor do we care), we expect similar mutual understanding when our team is losing.
We don't need your consolations nor your pep talks.

Just let it be!!

6. Social events (without food)

Admit it! Men go to social events for food.  And booze. And food. And hot chicks. And did I mention food?

So, when a guy is invited to an social gathering where there is no food; there is nothing to do there.

It is inhuman to plan a social gathering with no food. Have mercy.

7. The "Guys have it easy" talks

No we do not have it easy at all. We can't talk our way into getting assistance from colleagues, we can't wear pretty dress on appraisal day to get the deserved rating; And we definitely can't have deep necks working in our favour.

It's no longer a guy's world. Admit it!!

8. The drink table bargers

It is my drink. I have ordered the drink. Unless I officially invite you and give you the elite privilege of sharing seat with me, do not come near.

A guy with his drink is having a personal moment. You have no right to invade that delicate relationship. Respect the pure romance!

Ru Ba Ru

Yun samundar kinare tehelte hue,
Ek din zindagi rubaru ho gayi mujhse,
Kucch shuruaati taoruf ke baad maine kaha,
Tum kucch jaani pehchaani si lagti ho,
Kisi gali nukkad pe, chai ki dukaan par,
Kisi rail ke saamne wale platform par,
Kahi raashan ki bheed me, koi bus ki qataar me,
Kisi mandir me maatha teke, kisi maikhane ke bahaar girte padte,
Kahi to tumse mulaqat hui hai,
Dhundhli hi sahi, par woh yaad ab bhi zehen me hai,
Thik se yaad nahi ke tab tum kaisi thi,
Shayad musqurat se khilkhilaati, shayad nazaqat se balkhaati,
Thodi naazuk kucch sharmaati, kucch adaon me ithlaati,
Ya phir thodi si udaas thi tum,
Ek adhuri si kahani ki tarah, jo khatm hone se pehle hi khatm ho gayi,
Kya woh maayusi thi tumhare chehre par, Ya bas ladne ki thakaan,
Shayad hausla hi hoga, phir se jeet ke dikhane ka,
Jaane kyun yaad nahi aa raha, tumhe yaad ho to batao,
Aur zindagi ne muskuraake kaha, main to har woh jagah hu jaha tum ho,
Par tumhe zindagi jeene ki fursat hi kaha!

Foolish Choice

They all tell me, rather convince me, that my princess will come and kiss me; that everything will be wonderful; that I will turn into prince charming; that I will no longer be the frog that I am.

They see the pain on my face, the confusion, the disbelief; and they try to reiterate, make me believe.
And I transfer the same confusion, the same disbelief on their face, when I ask
Why can't I just be the frog that I am?

They pity me, argue, even mock at my foolish choice. A very few are curious enough to question me, ponder, ask for the reason.

It is just my choice, I say. Why does one have to be prince charming to live happily ever after? Why should one wait for the princess to come and redeem your life? Are you saying that frogs don't live happily ever after? Then what is that sound we here during monsoons?

I don't allow them time to answer; because I know they don't have any.

Are you truly meant to be happy with the princess whose condition to love you is for you to change into something else? And if you don't transform to the prince of her dream, she will leave you like the previous dozens and move to the next frog. Is that your definition of true love?

I thought true love was meant to be besides you, within you, when you are at the worst of your life. So how is it true love if it can be with you only after you have turned to prince charming?

I would rather be a frog and find true love than join the pretentious world where one has to be prince charming to get love.

They are still silent, listening to me; the jaws are still a bit dropped. I am still waiting for my answers. Do you have the answers??