Sunday, February 13, 2011

Tips this Valentine!!!

I am no connoisseur of this field, but from what I know, I thought it to be my moral obligation to disseminate this information to all my fellow male specie of human kind. I hope this helps you get over the over hyped day of expression of love which is about to come.That dreaded day all men fear to forget–Valentines Day–is just around the corner. It’s a day that can make you or break you, fellas, so now’s the time to give it some thought. Here are some rules to remember:

-> The most basic rule, if for no one’s sake but you own: Remember your sweetheart on Valentines Day. February 14. It doesn’t matter how old she is, or how long you’ve been married, or dating, or whatever. If you forget her on this high holy day of love, you’ll spend the next 364 days regretting it. In either subtle or unsubtle ways, she ain’t gonna forget you forgot. So next time your tea has salt instead of sugar, your clothes burn while being ironed or you get stood up on a date, you are to blame if you forget this day.

-> 00:05 is not same as 00:00. Trust me on this one, these 5 minutes will cost you more than any other 5 minutes in your life. It doesn't matter if your network's jammed, if you are being chased by a man-eating tiger or you are saving the world from intergalactic attack. If your call or you dont reach at midnight, you have dug your own grave.

-> If she tells you she doesn’t want flowers, or candy, or a greeting card to mark the day, I can guarantee you she’s lying through her teeth. Don’t be fooled for a second. She’s just testing you to see what you’ll do. You have two choices–do you want to be happy, or do you want to be miserable? It’s up to you.

-> This is the trickiest rule, because the slightest error can cause undue suffering (yours). What does she really want for Valentine’s Day? You can’t just ask her–this is strictly against the rules. This is where your mind-reading skills come in handy. If you’ve not already developed at least some rudimentary extrasensory powers (ESP) in your relationship, you’re probably already screwed anyway–and I don’t mean in a good way. P.S: Playstation is not a good valentines gift for her

-> It is a cardinal sin to mention what you did with your ex-girlfriend last Valentine's day, no matter how boring it was last year. This is the only Valentines you remember unless the last one was with her only.

I guess these should help you for good. If you have some more to share, your comments are always welcome. Girls are welcome to testify on these observations/learning...

Wish you all a Happy Valentines Day!!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ode to the Nice Guys

[This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal]

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever
orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for
that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went
anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical,
manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most
frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going
to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.