1. Sit in your straight, comfortable chair and study table in a well-lighted place with plenty of sharpened pencils and pen.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the pantry and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to the pantry and buy a packet of Chips to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, borrow his assignment. If he does not lend, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, Sit in your straight, comfortable chair and study table in a well-lighted place with plenty of sharpened pencils and pen.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't called your school friend since past 3 years. You'd better call him now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to your favorite song on your laptop and that's it-- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the your other favorite song.
11. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
12. Sit in your straight, comfortable chair and study table in a well-lighted place with plenty of sharpened pencils and pen
13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savour its special flavour.
14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from soccer match to golf season to every Zee or Sony soap is truly worthwhile.
15. Phone your friend in the girl's hostel to see if she was watching. Discuss the finer points of the sport/plot.
16. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
17. Go to the Counter-strike server just to check how many players are in- YOU WILL JUST CHECK AND EXIT.
18. Enter the counter strike game for just 1 game.
19. You will shut the game when your killings reach 50.
20. As soon as the 50th game is over, that's it. Next on agenda is the assignment.
21. Sit in your straight, comfortable chair and study table in a well-lighted place with plenty of sharpened pencils and pen.
22. Read over the assignment again to revise what you need to do.
23. Walk to the balcony just to get some fresh air and thought process.
24. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
25. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
26. Sit in your straight, comfortable chair and study table in a well-lighted place with plenty of sharpened pencils and pen.
27. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the bed and scream at the top of your lungs.
30. Google up the details of your assignment.
31. Copy the 1st three pages of Wikipedia and 1st page of top 10 searches.
32. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to complete the assignment
P.S.: Inspired by true events :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Few thoughts with a touch of Urdu...
Phir jharukhe se mujhe bulaata hai koi,
Phir aashiya-e-dil me nazar aata hai koi...
Hoti hai khuda-e-azeem ki bandagi,
Phir duaaon me maanga jaata hai koi...
Tasveer se bahaar to kabhi aata hi nahi,
Zehen me aake bas sataata hai koi...
Tai karke milo ka safar mushkil,
Kyun meri gali se laut jaata hai koi...
Pal do pal bhi nahi rehta Rubaru woh,
Aagosh-e-tasavvur me theher jaata hai koi...
Aata to hai koi wafa ki seher lekar,
Par shaam-e-ruswai me chhod jaata hai koi...
Yun to zamaane mein bahut mashhoor hai hum,
Pal me "Benaam" hume kar jaata hai koi...
Phir aashiya-e-dil me nazar aata hai koi...
Hoti hai khuda-e-azeem ki bandagi,
Phir duaaon me maanga jaata hai koi...
Tasveer se bahaar to kabhi aata hi nahi,
Zehen me aake bas sataata hai koi...
Tai karke milo ka safar mushkil,
Kyun meri gali se laut jaata hai koi...
Pal do pal bhi nahi rehta Rubaru woh,
Aagosh-e-tasavvur me theher jaata hai koi...
Aata to hai koi wafa ki seher lekar,
Par shaam-e-ruswai me chhod jaata hai koi...
Yun to zamaane mein bahut mashhoor hai hum,
Pal me "Benaam" hume kar jaata hai koi...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Telemarketers Beware!!!
Has it ever happened to you that you are sitting with your boss discussing your career progression and your cellphone buzzes. You see an unknown number and think it will be important. You pick up the fone and the person on the other line goes "Namaskar sir, main Vo****ne se baat kar rahi hu. Aapke liye ek special scheme hai?"
Well, it has happened to me and thats when I decided, enough is enough. Personally I don't care for telemarketers, in fact I really don't care for them. They call at the most inopportune times - when you're eating, sleeping, relaxing, or just sitting around doing nothing (yeah even then it's annoying).
So all those people who have tried every possible thing including the National Do not Dusturb list and are still pissed of by the telemarketeers, here are some ideas which may help you a lot.
Idea # 1
Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all "No's" This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. The Daler Mehendi Fame "Na na na na na re" might help here.
Idea # 2
If they are providing home loan, car loan, education loan or any other loan, ask them how much money will they give and whether you can keep it forever like you do with all your friends and family.
Idea # 3
Let the person on phone complete all the salespitch they have, post will tell her/him that the phone belongs to your friend and talk in a different voice saying "Yeah, tell me. you were saying." Keep doing that till the person is tired of making pitches.
Idea # 4
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my girlfriend ran away with my dog, I've got loose motion and have gone to the loo 22 times, my pet rock just died..." When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems... if they persist - ask them why they don't care.
Idea # 5
If the person says he's XYZ from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary. The Judaai fame Paresh Rawal should inspire you here.
Idea # 6
This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm with HBFC Bank.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
Idea # 7
If the person is trying to sell you something you can use with you friends like a night calling plan or a holiday package, tell her, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" If that doesn't work, say "Please."
Idea # 8
Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
For example: Telemarketer: "This is Swati from Air**l."
You: "Air**l, hey I work for them too! Which center are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Ringroad."
You: "Great, we should meet up for coffee some day"
Idea # 9
Let the person go through their speech, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate.
Idea # 10
Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Well, it has happened to me and thats when I decided, enough is enough. Personally I don't care for telemarketers, in fact I really don't care for them. They call at the most inopportune times - when you're eating, sleeping, relaxing, or just sitting around doing nothing (yeah even then it's annoying).
So all those people who have tried every possible thing including the National Do not Dusturb list and are still pissed of by the telemarketeers, here are some ideas which may help you a lot.
Idea # 1
Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all "No's" This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. The Daler Mehendi Fame "Na na na na na re" might help here.
Idea # 2
If they are providing home loan, car loan, education loan or any other loan, ask them how much money will they give and whether you can keep it forever like you do with all your friends and family.
Idea # 3
Let the person on phone complete all the salespitch they have, post will tell her/him that the phone belongs to your friend and talk in a different voice saying "Yeah, tell me. you were saying." Keep doing that till the person is tired of making pitches.
Idea # 4
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my girlfriend ran away with my dog, I've got loose motion and have gone to the loo 22 times, my pet rock just died..." When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems... if they persist - ask them why they don't care.
Idea # 5
If the person says he's XYZ from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary. The Judaai fame Paresh Rawal should inspire you here.
Idea # 6
This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm with HBFC Bank.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
Idea # 7
If the person is trying to sell you something you can use with you friends like a night calling plan or a holiday package, tell her, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" If that doesn't work, say "Please."
Idea # 8
Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
For example: Telemarketer: "This is Swati from Air**l."
You: "Air**l, hey I work for them too! Which center are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Ringroad."
You: "Great, we should meet up for coffee some day"
Idea # 9
Let the person go through their speech, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate.
Idea # 10
Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
The Vaastu effect
The Taj Mahal, the greater wonder of the world, was built by the Mughal Emperor Shahjahan about 375 years ago or may be 364 years ago or 395 years ago, depending upon which Government entity do you verify it from. India’s landmark love monument has confusingly blurred birth certificate, with various government bodies not arriving at a consensus as to when was the structure created. (They could always check with Baa of KSBKBT).
Factually, it took approximately 17 years to built Taj Mahal but there was no Vaastu or Feng Shui used, with which Emperor Shah Jahan would have known that the minarets should have been made of Bamboo instead of Marble and should have faced north west direction and the dome should not have been in the centre but on the right most part of the structure to drive away the negative energy and also the tourists.
I say this because nowadays, one can hardly take a step without being exposed to the great knowledge fables of Feng Shui or Vaastu. Many people today are increasingly consulting Vaastu and Feng Shui to the point where people are ready to pluck out their thighbone (or some boneless parts of body too) and stick it in their eye sockets, as it is Vastu friendly.
My boss recently discovered that the business in my office is not growing as he is sitting under a beam and that goes against the principles of Feng Shui and because he faces a wall which goes against the principles of Vaastu. What he did in turn was to shift his entire cabin to a newer location to prosper the business. What it has done to my office business? Zilch... Nothing... Nil. I'm surprised how his scientifically calculated move after such great advisory could not have worked in the manner he expected it to. Maybe because he did not focus on business and focussed on Vaastu instead, but then who am I to suggest such stupid methods. After all, I'm no Vaastu or Feng Shui expert.
Amongst other things that are on my boss' priority list for better living are (Source: Confidential):
• Toilets should not be decorated (we got the office toilet decorated, just to see his control and meditation capacity)
• Metal objects should not hang on doors (we are planning to hang some on our cabin door, to avoid him entering from there)
• Wearing Yellow on Thursday (we're planning to keep a client event on Thursday specifically to see him in Yellow Suit or atleast tie)
Educated people are now talking about something called negative energy. To lend it credibility, they are using some scientific hocus focus. I am no Einstein (not even near considering the only Einsteinism I know is E=MC squared) but as per physics there is no such concept as negative energy. Kinetic energy= ½ M V squared will always be positive as mass, a scalar quantity and the square of a number are always positive, the same is the logic for E= M C squared (Yes I paid attention in school all you dumbos). But despite the scientific proof, people are ready to barter their common sense for the fear of the unknown. What perhaps would have been mere harmless indulgence, becomes a bit more risky when people are ready to ignore architectural concepts to include Feng Shui (" Can you make the columns elliptical and avoid using steel in the beams?")
Vaastu is a really good profession, it takes a few things as below:
• A rich, educated, fat salaried guy
• Some threatening about future problems
• Minor Knowledge about his current problems
• Some pseudo-scientific Hocus Focus like "negative energy" , " Gravitational pull", " Angle of incidence"
• A beard to scratch if possible (avoid if you are a woman)
• some dubious academic credentials (Doctorate in Architectural Science in Energy flow from University of Maldives)
Anyways, being the humble employee that I am, I have decided to remove all these beliefs from my Boss' head. How do I ensure to do it, you ask? I have a sureshot formulae.
I have tied a Bamboo hat on my head and sleep every night with my feet behind my head in a northwest direction. Should work!!! Any other suggestions??
Factually, it took approximately 17 years to built Taj Mahal but there was no Vaastu or Feng Shui used, with which Emperor Shah Jahan would have known that the minarets should have been made of Bamboo instead of Marble and should have faced north west direction and the dome should not have been in the centre but on the right most part of the structure to drive away the negative energy and also the tourists.
I say this because nowadays, one can hardly take a step without being exposed to the great knowledge fables of Feng Shui or Vaastu. Many people today are increasingly consulting Vaastu and Feng Shui to the point where people are ready to pluck out their thighbone (or some boneless parts of body too) and stick it in their eye sockets, as it is Vastu friendly.
My boss recently discovered that the business in my office is not growing as he is sitting under a beam and that goes against the principles of Feng Shui and because he faces a wall which goes against the principles of Vaastu. What he did in turn was to shift his entire cabin to a newer location to prosper the business. What it has done to my office business? Zilch... Nothing... Nil. I'm surprised how his scientifically calculated move after such great advisory could not have worked in the manner he expected it to. Maybe because he did not focus on business and focussed on Vaastu instead, but then who am I to suggest such stupid methods. After all, I'm no Vaastu or Feng Shui expert.
Amongst other things that are on my boss' priority list for better living are (Source: Confidential):
• Toilets should not be decorated (we got the office toilet decorated, just to see his control and meditation capacity)
• Metal objects should not hang on doors (we are planning to hang some on our cabin door, to avoid him entering from there)
• Wearing Yellow on Thursday (we're planning to keep a client event on Thursday specifically to see him in Yellow Suit or atleast tie)
Educated people are now talking about something called negative energy. To lend it credibility, they are using some scientific hocus focus. I am no Einstein (not even near considering the only Einsteinism I know is E=MC squared) but as per physics there is no such concept as negative energy. Kinetic energy= ½ M V squared will always be positive as mass, a scalar quantity and the square of a number are always positive, the same is the logic for E= M C squared (Yes I paid attention in school all you dumbos). But despite the scientific proof, people are ready to barter their common sense for the fear of the unknown. What perhaps would have been mere harmless indulgence, becomes a bit more risky when people are ready to ignore architectural concepts to include Feng Shui (" Can you make the columns elliptical and avoid using steel in the beams?")
Vaastu is a really good profession, it takes a few things as below:
• A rich, educated, fat salaried guy
• Some threatening about future problems
• Minor Knowledge about his current problems
• Some pseudo-scientific Hocus Focus like "negative energy" , " Gravitational pull", " Angle of incidence"
• A beard to scratch if possible (avoid if you are a woman)
• some dubious academic credentials (Doctorate in Architectural Science in Energy flow from University of Maldives)
Anyways, being the humble employee that I am, I have decided to remove all these beliefs from my Boss' head. How do I ensure to do it, you ask? I have a sureshot formulae.
I have tied a Bamboo hat on my head and sleep every night with my feet behind my head in a northwest direction. Should work!!! Any other suggestions??
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Ek baar phir... (for all my Nirma Friends)
Ek baar phir who Nirma ke din laut aaye,
Ek baar phir hum college students ban jaaye…
Ek baar phir who hostel me rehne chale jaaye,
Aur phir hafte me bas do teen baar nahaye,
Raat bhar CS ki duniya me dhoom machaye,
Aur din me class me sote pakde jaaye…
Ek baar phir Akanksha Bumb class me late entry kare,
Ek baar phir Neeraj Goyal assignment se dare,
Phirse Harish Gupta question pucchta hi jaaye,
Phirse Umang Agarwal ko class room me neend aaye…
Phir Anupam Garg ko log Hell G ka naam de,
Phir Gopalkrishnan Sir assignment ke liye ek hi shaam de,
Phir Neha Gupta ko log Nano kehkar bulaaye,
Phir Sachin Singh ko log sirf playground pe hi paaye…
Phir se class ke break me log tapri pe hi mile,
Sota hua GG phir sirf dinner ke liye hile,
Phir Priyavrat Sajjan Rajasthan Dhabe pe dikhe,
Phir mess se zyada pantry ka khana beeke…
Phir se Riti Ranka class ko colorful kar de,
Aur bachi hui kasar Sharmil Patwa bhar de,
Phir se sham ko hostel me Kaalepapa prakat ho,
Phir warden aane pe 7th floor pe sankat ho…
Phir Akhilesh aur Kaushik nache aur nachaye,
Phir Ankur Dhariwal flirting karte pakda jaaye,
Phir Anuja Nair se maahol Tinglemay ho jaaye,
Phir se janmashtami boy’s hostel me mangalmay ho jaaye…
Phir se Anand Gupta ko “The Bhai” ka khitab mile,
Phir Ankit Shrimali Shri CultComm banne chale,
Phir ho race Atit, Abhishek aur Jai ke beech finance ki,
Phir ho taarif Parsu aur Abbi ke Chidiya Dance ki…
Phir exam ke ek din pehle Siddharth Agarwal ki class ho,
Phir se Karthik Rawal exam me copy karke pass ho,
Phir se Manish Ojha ki bike ho aur bees rupaiye ka petrol ho,
Phir se Chehre ke play me Anubhav Sood ka role ho…
Phir Dinubhai pakad pakad ke sabko PJ sunaaye,
Phir Gannu ko kahi bhi, kabhi bhi neend aa jaaye,
Phir Chirantan subah shaam Gym me exercise kare,
Phir Aayush Bhalla ek hi chapter char baar revise kare…
Phir Lodhi ke festival me popcorn aur mungfali plenty ho,
Phir se Sumit Gupta sab ki har baat pe senti ho,
Phir Yogesh ban jaaye Yo aur Rohit ban jaaye rO,
Phir Tanvi Madan kahe, “Tum Kharab Aadmi Ho”…
Phir har shaam Sapna Vyas campus ke chakkar lagaaye,
Phir Ullhas Kelkar baccho ki “Didi” ban jaaye,
Phir har raat baje, Vintybhaiya ka Midnight Radio,
Phir Hum dekhe Mahi:P and Rustyic Film ka video…
Phir Jyoti ki hasi se saara girls hostel darr jaaye,
Phir Priyanka Jain Ms. Richter ban jaaye,
Phir Kaushal aur Sid Roy mil kar gaana gaaye,
Phir se question pucch pucch Nimish conclaves ki shaan badhaye…
Phir Audi me ek hi naara, aur who naara aisa ho,
“Humara neta kaisa ho, Dhawal Joshi jaisa ho”,
Phir se Nikhil Aur Arya ki room, CFA room kehlaaye,
Phir Richa Palriwal nautanki aur nakhre dikhlaaye…
Phir fashion show me Pallavi aur PG ki cat walk ho,
Phir CUG phones pe raat raat bhar talk ho,
Phir IP messenger pe bakarbaazi ka maahol ho,
Phir attendance lagaane ke liye proxy ka jhol ho…
Phir Prabhat Yadav sikhaye Pikachu, raichu ke funde,
Phir se Backlawn me ho executive dinner on Sunday,
Phir Aditi Jain zor se kahe”ek jhaapat khaayega”,
Aur phir Paridhi Jain kahe, humse “Naa ho paayega”…
Phir Amarnani sir aur shantanu sir de Finance ka dose,
Aur uthne me itna late ho ke breakfast chhut jaaye roz,
Phir Ketaki ban jaaye mata aur utkarsh ban jaaye lala,
Phir raat ko hostel me loudspeaker pe roz baje Madhushala…
Phir placement ki ho tension, aur yaaro ka ho saath,
Phir conclave me suit pehne, din se ho jaaye raat,
Phir do chhuti wale weekend pe ho roadtrip ya outing,
Phir NCL ki matches me ho hooting aur shouting…
Phir Navraatri ki raato me jhoom ke naachna gaana,
Phir richter ke pronite me yaaro ke sang chillana,
Phir ho convocation ka din, phir medal ka suspense,
Phir hum ban jaaye Nirma ke present se past tense…
Phir ek baar woh dosto se milne ke waade kare,
Phir dil me yaadien liye zindagi me aage badhe,
Ek baar phir zindagi me yeh kaamyaabi ka makaam paaye,
Aur phir soche Ek baar phir woh Nirma ke din laut aaye…
Ek baar phir hum college students ban jaaye…
Ek baar phir who hostel me rehne chale jaaye,
Aur phir hafte me bas do teen baar nahaye,
Raat bhar CS ki duniya me dhoom machaye,
Aur din me class me sote pakde jaaye…
Ek baar phir Akanksha Bumb class me late entry kare,
Ek baar phir Neeraj Goyal assignment se dare,
Phirse Harish Gupta question pucchta hi jaaye,
Phirse Umang Agarwal ko class room me neend aaye…
Phir Anupam Garg ko log Hell G ka naam de,
Phir Gopalkrishnan Sir assignment ke liye ek hi shaam de,
Phir Neha Gupta ko log Nano kehkar bulaaye,
Phir Sachin Singh ko log sirf playground pe hi paaye…
Phir se class ke break me log tapri pe hi mile,
Sota hua GG phir sirf dinner ke liye hile,
Phir Priyavrat Sajjan Rajasthan Dhabe pe dikhe,
Phir mess se zyada pantry ka khana beeke…
Phir se Riti Ranka class ko colorful kar de,
Aur bachi hui kasar Sharmil Patwa bhar de,
Phir se sham ko hostel me Kaalepapa prakat ho,
Phir warden aane pe 7th floor pe sankat ho…
Phir Akhilesh aur Kaushik nache aur nachaye,
Phir Ankur Dhariwal flirting karte pakda jaaye,
Phir Anuja Nair se maahol Tinglemay ho jaaye,
Phir se janmashtami boy’s hostel me mangalmay ho jaaye…
Phir se Anand Gupta ko “The Bhai” ka khitab mile,
Phir Ankit Shrimali Shri CultComm banne chale,
Phir ho race Atit, Abhishek aur Jai ke beech finance ki,
Phir ho taarif Parsu aur Abbi ke Chidiya Dance ki…
Phir exam ke ek din pehle Siddharth Agarwal ki class ho,
Phir se Karthik Rawal exam me copy karke pass ho,
Phir se Manish Ojha ki bike ho aur bees rupaiye ka petrol ho,
Phir se Chehre ke play me Anubhav Sood ka role ho…
Phir Dinubhai pakad pakad ke sabko PJ sunaaye,
Phir Gannu ko kahi bhi, kabhi bhi neend aa jaaye,
Phir Chirantan subah shaam Gym me exercise kare,
Phir Aayush Bhalla ek hi chapter char baar revise kare…
Phir Lodhi ke festival me popcorn aur mungfali plenty ho,
Phir se Sumit Gupta sab ki har baat pe senti ho,
Phir Yogesh ban jaaye Yo aur Rohit ban jaaye rO,
Phir Tanvi Madan kahe, “Tum Kharab Aadmi Ho”…
Phir har shaam Sapna Vyas campus ke chakkar lagaaye,
Phir Ullhas Kelkar baccho ki “Didi” ban jaaye,
Phir har raat baje, Vintybhaiya ka Midnight Radio,
Phir Hum dekhe Mahi:P and Rustyic Film ka video…
Phir Jyoti ki hasi se saara girls hostel darr jaaye,
Phir Priyanka Jain Ms. Richter ban jaaye,
Phir Kaushal aur Sid Roy mil kar gaana gaaye,
Phir se question pucch pucch Nimish conclaves ki shaan badhaye…
Phir Audi me ek hi naara, aur who naara aisa ho,
“Humara neta kaisa ho, Dhawal Joshi jaisa ho”,
Phir se Nikhil Aur Arya ki room, CFA room kehlaaye,
Phir Richa Palriwal nautanki aur nakhre dikhlaaye…
Phir fashion show me Pallavi aur PG ki cat walk ho,
Phir CUG phones pe raat raat bhar talk ho,
Phir IP messenger pe bakarbaazi ka maahol ho,
Phir attendance lagaane ke liye proxy ka jhol ho…
Phir Prabhat Yadav sikhaye Pikachu, raichu ke funde,
Phir se Backlawn me ho executive dinner on Sunday,
Phir Aditi Jain zor se kahe”ek jhaapat khaayega”,
Aur phir Paridhi Jain kahe, humse “Naa ho paayega”…
Phir Amarnani sir aur shantanu sir de Finance ka dose,
Aur uthne me itna late ho ke breakfast chhut jaaye roz,
Phir Ketaki ban jaaye mata aur utkarsh ban jaaye lala,
Phir raat ko hostel me loudspeaker pe roz baje Madhushala…
Phir placement ki ho tension, aur yaaro ka ho saath,
Phir conclave me suit pehne, din se ho jaaye raat,
Phir do chhuti wale weekend pe ho roadtrip ya outing,
Phir NCL ki matches me ho hooting aur shouting…
Phir Navraatri ki raato me jhoom ke naachna gaana,
Phir richter ke pronite me yaaro ke sang chillana,
Phir ho convocation ka din, phir medal ka suspense,
Phir hum ban jaaye Nirma ke present se past tense…
Phir ek baar woh dosto se milne ke waade kare,
Phir dil me yaadien liye zindagi me aage badhe,
Ek baar phir zindagi me yeh kaamyaabi ka makaam paaye,
Aur phir soche Ek baar phir woh Nirma ke din laut aaye…
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Make her believe
I know it seems impossible, I know its a difficult task,
a thousand reasons I'll give and a million questions she will ask,
But I still want to try, I still want to achieve,
I'll go through all the pain, just to make her believe...
If there's one thing difficult to build, that thing is definitely trust,
But I just thrive for it though, for me the faith is must,
I'll do everything possible, every trick that's under my sleeve,
I'll put in all the effort, just to make her believe...
I need to let her know, that she is the one, the inspiration,
And I need to find assurance, that there is no more hesitation,
I know that she understands it all, she surely isn't naive,
And yet I need to struggle, just to make her believe...
a thousand reasons I'll give and a million questions she will ask,
But I still want to try, I still want to achieve,
I'll go through all the pain, just to make her believe...
If there's one thing difficult to build, that thing is definitely trust,
But I just thrive for it though, for me the faith is must,
I'll do everything possible, every trick that's under my sleeve,
I'll put in all the effort, just to make her believe...
I need to let her know, that she is the one, the inspiration,
And I need to find assurance, that there is no more hesitation,
I know that she understands it all, she surely isn't naive,
And yet I need to struggle, just to make her believe...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Yeh Rishta kya kehlata hai!!!
uske kadmo ki aahat sunte hi nazre mud hi jaati hai,
aur tham jaati hai nazre us par kucch pal ke liye,
na to koi bita hua lamha yaad hota hai, na to koi aane wali ghadi,
bas ushi pal me maano zindagi ruk si jaati hai,
woh lehro pe chalti hui si guzar jaati hai,
aur main saahil ki tarah bas dekhta reh jaata hu,
na to chup reh paata hu, na kucch keh paata hu,
chah hai usse pucchne ki, kaise hai woh itni saksham,
ki palko ko jhuka ke maano samay ko rok leti hai,
aur kamar ko balkhake maano hawaa ko woh rukh deti hai,
aur phir hai woh kitni saral, aur saath hi kitni chanchal,
maano kayi indradhanushi rango ko saath mila diya ho,
aur usse kisi sundari ka chitran kiya ho,
Jab kucch kehta hu usse, bas haskar woh taal deti hai,
par uski woh muskurahat bhi kayi aur prashn le aati hai,
maano apne chakravyuh me woh mujhe aur uljhaati hai,
na to woh apsara hai, na to woh mrignayani,
na koi raagini hai, na to woh kaamini,
par phir bhi kucch to vishesh hai usme,kucch to hai alag,
ki jab woh raah se nahi guzarti,
kaano me uske kadmo ki aahat tab bhi gunjti hai,
uske intezaar me nazre tab bhi mudti hai,
na to koi rishta hai usse, na to koi vaada,
na koi tamanna hai, na koi iraada,
par phir bhi uske bina woh raah me kucch tanha sa lagta hai,
uske bina nazro ko kucch to suna sa lagta hai,
bas mera aur uska sirf nazro ka hi naata hai,
kya jaane yeh rishta kya kehlata hai!!!
aur tham jaati hai nazre us par kucch pal ke liye,
na to koi bita hua lamha yaad hota hai, na to koi aane wali ghadi,
bas ushi pal me maano zindagi ruk si jaati hai,
woh lehro pe chalti hui si guzar jaati hai,
aur main saahil ki tarah bas dekhta reh jaata hu,
na to chup reh paata hu, na kucch keh paata hu,
chah hai usse pucchne ki, kaise hai woh itni saksham,
ki palko ko jhuka ke maano samay ko rok leti hai,
aur kamar ko balkhake maano hawaa ko woh rukh deti hai,
aur phir hai woh kitni saral, aur saath hi kitni chanchal,
maano kayi indradhanushi rango ko saath mila diya ho,
aur usse kisi sundari ka chitran kiya ho,
Jab kucch kehta hu usse, bas haskar woh taal deti hai,
par uski woh muskurahat bhi kayi aur prashn le aati hai,
maano apne chakravyuh me woh mujhe aur uljhaati hai,
na to woh apsara hai, na to woh mrignayani,
na koi raagini hai, na to woh kaamini,
par phir bhi kucch to vishesh hai usme,kucch to hai alag,
ki jab woh raah se nahi guzarti,
kaano me uske kadmo ki aahat tab bhi gunjti hai,
uske intezaar me nazre tab bhi mudti hai,
na to koi rishta hai usse, na to koi vaada,
na koi tamanna hai, na koi iraada,
par phir bhi uske bina woh raah me kucch tanha sa lagta hai,
uske bina nazro ko kucch to suna sa lagta hai,
bas mera aur uska sirf nazro ka hi naata hai,
kya jaane yeh rishta kya kehlata hai!!!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I'm trying
They think I'm not trying,
BUt who are they to judge me,
to make remarks on my efforts,
cuz if there is one thing I have,
it is the passion, the intensity,
and I do not, cannot have fingers pointed,
at the very same things which I treasure,
So what if the results are missing?
so what if the answers are lost?
I am still cracking the questions,
still running the race,
though the finish line is far,
though the winners are already declared
I am not yet done
I have a lap still left in me,
though I'm trying to catch wind through a net,
though I'm trying to hit a star through a pebble,
the determination is there
the will is strong
All I need is for others to believe
That I'm trying... That I'm trying...
BUt who are they to judge me,
to make remarks on my efforts,
cuz if there is one thing I have,
it is the passion, the intensity,
and I do not, cannot have fingers pointed,
at the very same things which I treasure,
So what if the results are missing?
so what if the answers are lost?
I am still cracking the questions,
still running the race,
though the finish line is far,
though the winners are already declared
I am not yet done
I have a lap still left in me,
though I'm trying to catch wind through a net,
though I'm trying to hit a star through a pebble,
the determination is there
the will is strong
All I need is for others to believe
That I'm trying... That I'm trying...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I'm not a regular kinda guy...
Some of you may be asking why have I been missing my weekly (or fortnightly when I am not in the mood or monthly if my Boss finds out that the reason I appear so busy on my laptop has something to do with blogspot) blog. If you have not asked so far, then please do. That is well within your rights as dutiful employees surfing on office time. Things have come to a point where one of my friends, Neeli has been sending me mail reminders every 3 days to make me update my blog.
Her last mail had these verbatim lines "If you do not update your blog in next couple of days, I am gonna make sure I visit you and make you watch tele replays of Akash Chopra bat…he he… in slow motion ...Buuu.. wuuu HahAHAHAHAHA”. Countless readers (i.e. 3) bombarded me incessantly, requesting me to write something if not at least a laundry list so that they could find something to read. But that for some unfortunate reasons could not be accomplished.
Ok, the fact is that I am not really a regular kind of guy. Mind you I am a regular guy, which is slightly different than being a regular kind of guy. Regular guys are the last ones to be picked when drawing cricket teams, they watch their dream beauties being swept away by cricket captains in college, they go Wooooow on every 4th girl that passes by them, their credit cards out perform their stock portfolios, when they start singing at a party the host goes, “Women and Children inside…quick” and so on. So I am pretty much a regular guy but have great problems keeping up with routine.
Routine and me never really agreed much. For one, keeping up with routine is like being Hitler’s mistress. You have to have strict discipline and really love it. I am sure that Eva Braun would have made a great humour columnist. But then she was German. Germans are God’s way of making fun condoms. They just won’t allow any humour to pass through them. Well so one never knows. For if I really had some discipline , I would have made a great Army officer where I could command parades every morning at 5 AM, shouting something absolutely unintelligible at the top of my voice , ( “PaaaaRRRAADDE, teeeeen kona teeen Aaaaaaddaaa..badega..Yeeeee... OOOoooo Badh”) …and then you blame the Airforce for crashing Mig 21s. Wouldn’t you do the same?
The second thing is this concept called Writer’s block. This is not just another fancy term to describe an author who is also a laxative model. A writer’s block is a debilitating condition. (NOTE: Ashwin Singh, if you are reading this, I repeat that Debilitating has nothing to do with titillating) Sometimes a writer can just sit by the desk the whole day and basically do nothing…..absolutely nothing...zilch…null….kosong. No one knows why this happens. Or if they did, they certainly forgot to write about it.
This block, indeed causes great irritation, especially to a few of my friends. But then, that’s just the way a writer’s block is. A constipation of ideas. As a writer, you have to have an idea to write about or at least a good internet connection to copy and paste complete passages from websites. Indeed there have been works where there has been no idea but just a lot many words. My examination papers for instance, but then, that is precisely the reason why I don’t gel my hair and move around in a Porsche. A car which is as great to drive as difficult it is to agree upon its pronunciation.
So for the past month, there was a confluence of these internecine phenomena which resulted in the prolonged absence of my blog. I am trying my best to get out of this situation but hey if it was as easy to get a thing by merely wanting to, then by now I should have been as excited as a 70 year virgin at the annual nymphomaniac seminar. But I am trying and I tell you, once that seminar gets underway, I will revert to my usual frequency.
Her last mail had these verbatim lines "If you do not update your blog in next couple of days, I am gonna make sure I visit you and make you watch tele replays of Akash Chopra bat…he he… in slow motion ...Buuu.. wuuu HahAHAHAHAHA”. Countless readers (i.e. 3) bombarded me incessantly, requesting me to write something if not at least a laundry list so that they could find something to read. But that for some unfortunate reasons could not be accomplished.
Ok, the fact is that I am not really a regular kind of guy. Mind you I am a regular guy, which is slightly different than being a regular kind of guy. Regular guys are the last ones to be picked when drawing cricket teams, they watch their dream beauties being swept away by cricket captains in college, they go Wooooow on every 4th girl that passes by them, their credit cards out perform their stock portfolios, when they start singing at a party the host goes, “Women and Children inside…quick” and so on. So I am pretty much a regular guy but have great problems keeping up with routine.
Routine and me never really agreed much. For one, keeping up with routine is like being Hitler’s mistress. You have to have strict discipline and really love it. I am sure that Eva Braun would have made a great humour columnist. But then she was German. Germans are God’s way of making fun condoms. They just won’t allow any humour to pass through them. Well so one never knows. For if I really had some discipline , I would have made a great Army officer where I could command parades every morning at 5 AM, shouting something absolutely unintelligible at the top of my voice , ( “PaaaaRRRAADDE, teeeeen kona teeen Aaaaaaddaaa..badega..Yeeeee... OOOoooo Badh”) …and then you blame the Airforce for crashing Mig 21s. Wouldn’t you do the same?
The second thing is this concept called Writer’s block. This is not just another fancy term to describe an author who is also a laxative model. A writer’s block is a debilitating condition. (NOTE: Ashwin Singh, if you are reading this, I repeat that Debilitating has nothing to do with titillating) Sometimes a writer can just sit by the desk the whole day and basically do nothing…..absolutely nothing...zilch…null….kosong. No one knows why this happens. Or if they did, they certainly forgot to write about it.
This block, indeed causes great irritation, especially to a few of my friends. But then, that’s just the way a writer’s block is. A constipation of ideas. As a writer, you have to have an idea to write about or at least a good internet connection to copy and paste complete passages from websites. Indeed there have been works where there has been no idea but just a lot many words. My examination papers for instance, but then, that is precisely the reason why I don’t gel my hair and move around in a Porsche. A car which is as great to drive as difficult it is to agree upon its pronunciation.
So for the past month, there was a confluence of these internecine phenomena which resulted in the prolonged absence of my blog. I am trying my best to get out of this situation but hey if it was as easy to get a thing by merely wanting to, then by now I should have been as excited as a 70 year virgin at the annual nymphomaniac seminar. But I am trying and I tell you, once that seminar gets underway, I will revert to my usual frequency.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Some words which very aptly describe my life right now, picked from a bollywood movie, Lage Raho Munnabhai
Shaher ki es daud me daud ke karna kya hai?
Jab yehi jeena hai dosto to phir marna kya hai?
Paheli barish me train late hone ki fikr hai
Bhul gaye bhigte hue tahelna kya hai?
Serails ke kirdaaro ka saara haal hai malum
par maa ka haal puchhne ki fursat kise hai?
Ab ret pe nange pao tahelte kyu nahi?
108 hai chanel phir dil bahelte kyu nahi?
Internet ki duniya ke to touch me hai,
lekin pados me kon raheta hai jaante tak nahi.
Mobile, Landline sab ki bharmaar hai,
Lekin jigri dost tak pahuche aise taar kaha hai?
Kab dubte hue suraj ko dekha tha yaad hai?
Kab jaana tha shaam ka woh bananaa kya hai?
To Dosto Shaher ki es daud me daud ke karna kya hai
Jab yahi jeena hai to phir Marna kya hai?
- Jhanvi (Vidya Balan - Lage Raho Munnabhai)
Shaher ki es daud me daud ke karna kya hai?
Jab yehi jeena hai dosto to phir marna kya hai?
Paheli barish me train late hone ki fikr hai
Bhul gaye bhigte hue tahelna kya hai?
Serails ke kirdaaro ka saara haal hai malum
par maa ka haal puchhne ki fursat kise hai?
Ab ret pe nange pao tahelte kyu nahi?
108 hai chanel phir dil bahelte kyu nahi?
Internet ki duniya ke to touch me hai,
lekin pados me kon raheta hai jaante tak nahi.
Mobile, Landline sab ki bharmaar hai,
Lekin jigri dost tak pahuche aise taar kaha hai?
Kab dubte hue suraj ko dekha tha yaad hai?
Kab jaana tha shaam ka woh bananaa kya hai?
To Dosto Shaher ki es daud me daud ke karna kya hai
Jab yahi jeena hai to phir Marna kya hai?
- Jhanvi (Vidya Balan - Lage Raho Munnabhai)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Romance is in the air...
I know that I said this blog is going to be different and I am not going to write poems n all on this blog. But, as it is said "A Poem is never finished; only abandoned"... n I cannot abandon poems... So, just posting one of my poems here. The person for whom this is written needs to remember the day it is written very well... This is just a reminder to keep the memory refreshed of the day this was written...
Without a reason, why do I smile?
Why is life suddenly worthwhile?
Why does a song hum in my thoughts?
Why am I suddenly out of all knots?
Why do I miss you when you are there?
Why do I remember, why do I care?
We both have nothing to talk at all
Yet why do we wait for each other’s call?
Why does the moon now seem so bright?
Why do dreams now find me at night?
Why am I suddenly free of all pain?
Why does my heart dance again & again?
Why does everyone seem to be in bliss?
Why do I suddenly feel like this?
Why am I now on Cloud number nine?
Why does everything seem to be fine?
Why am I smiling against all odd?
Why does it seem like I am GOD?
Why do words float in my mind?
Why don't I want to now look behind?
I smell victory in every breath I take,
Why do all failures now seem to be fake?
Why does life gift me with glory?
Why do I feel I finally have a story?
Why don't you move away from my sight?
Why do I think of you even when I write?
Why did suddenly, my whole life change?
Why did this happen, isn’t it strange?
Why don’t I care about what others think?
Why do I stare at you without a blink?
Why is it that sometimes you don't say a word,
but all your feeling can still be heard?
Why can’t I express what I feel?
Why do I not know how to reveal?
Why is it that I am feeling so high?
Why am I asking all this, Why?
Without a reason, why do I smile?
Why is life suddenly worthwhile?
Why does a song hum in my thoughts?
Why am I suddenly out of all knots?
Why do I miss you when you are there?
Why do I remember, why do I care?
We both have nothing to talk at all
Yet why do we wait for each other’s call?
Why does the moon now seem so bright?
Why do dreams now find me at night?
Why am I suddenly free of all pain?
Why does my heart dance again & again?
Why does everyone seem to be in bliss?
Why do I suddenly feel like this?
Why am I now on Cloud number nine?
Why does everything seem to be fine?
Why am I smiling against all odd?
Why does it seem like I am GOD?
Why do words float in my mind?
Why don't I want to now look behind?
I smell victory in every breath I take,
Why do all failures now seem to be fake?
Why does life gift me with glory?
Why do I feel I finally have a story?
Why don't you move away from my sight?
Why do I think of you even when I write?
Why did suddenly, my whole life change?
Why did this happen, isn’t it strange?
Why don’t I care about what others think?
Why do I stare at you without a blink?
Why is it that sometimes you don't say a word,
but all your feeling can still be heard?
Why can’t I express what I feel?
Why do I not know how to reveal?
Why is it that I am feeling so high?
Why am I asking all this, Why?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
My Name is Shah... And I am not a chauvinist
CLARE BOOTHE LUCE once said: Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes."
I was almost about to believe as well as support what she said when I read what another version of the entire story. An anonymous quote said “Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like children. Didn’t accomplish anything this time around, sweetheart? That’s okay. Give it another shot after we bend out of the rules. Scratch that. Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like spoiled children. Here, let us make it easy for you to achieve it, here is a red carpet, cuz you are a lady.”
I found both the versions very interesting, and being the diplomat that I am, I decided not to choose sides. Chauvinism or Feminism is an age old argument and will remain for times to come. However, I have always respected women as well as found them equally competitive, if not more, in all fields they wish to enter. Well, almost all.
There are some things which you are genetically handicapped to do. One such thing for women is driving. I know that it seems pretty hypocritical to come from a person who does not know driving himself. But, I have my strong reasons for such a statement. Off late, I have been commuting a lot via road (as there is no alternate transport mode in Surat). I have learnt that most of the accidents happening on road involve women in some or the other way. There are times when they apply brakes suddenly without any reason just cuz they realize they have forgotten to purchase a grocery, or even more common is the crash on turn cuz they could not judge.
Recently, I had the privilege to accompany a very pretty lady in her car on the streets of Surat. Being the driving illiterate that I am, I placed myself in the passenger’s seat. The beautiful lady took the wheel in her hands and we were driving down the streets of Surat. I was avoiding very detailed conversation with her cuz I realized that she must have taken her body language classes too seriously, specially the eye contact one. She used to almost turn sideways while talking to me. I showed my concern twice regarding the threat that prevailed if she took her eyes off the road. With silence prevailing between us, and the music playing in the background, we were moving in a bumper to bumper traffic. Suddenly, the cellphone of the lady rings and she reads the message sent to her. I would like to assume that the message must have been sent by her friend who was being chased by a rhino in some African sanctuary. What on the earth would otherwise be so important that she had to type back a reply while driving the car amidst the heavy traffic. Now, I do not know the exact sequence of sounds, but they went somewhat this way:
Type… Type… Type… Honk… Type… Accelerate… Brake… Honk… Type… Type… Type… Accelerate… Banggggggg… SHIT
The dent in the back door of Toyota Innova proved the point that the gorgeous lady who was accompanied by me definitely knew how to make long lasting impressions. I requested the lady, who had omitted to carry her license as she would have to port it around everywhere, to be seated in the car while I negotiated it out with the Innova Driver.
Now, the decision of me talking to the Innova driver instead of her was not thinking she will not be able to handle it. Nor was it with the feminist support attitude or with the opinion that I should help her as she cannot help herself. It was more because of her magnetism rather that the chauvinism or feminism. After a tough bargain (actually dictatorship at the other person’s end) and after losing a grand, I finally managed to settle it out. This is just one of the quite few cases that I know off and I have been a witness of, both directly as well as indirectly (through other people’s discussion).
Yet, I am not generalizing this Non-Driving Ability Syndrome to entire women community. I am just suggesting that next time you sit besides a girl in the car, wear your seatbelts and keep some cash handy if you wish to impress the lady like i did, if you dont wish to do so, she can handle herself well.
Dont try to support her, try to accompany her (Courtesy: Tum Bin: "Jaanta hu tumhe sahare ki zarurat nahi, main saath dene aaya hu)
So, in the end, I would just like to say that I have not had best of experiences sitting besides female drivers, but most of these experiences have resulted in very good turnouts finally. And all is well if the end is well.
My name is Shah... And I am not a chauvinist; nor a feminist...
I was almost about to believe as well as support what she said when I read what another version of the entire story. An anonymous quote said “Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like children. Didn’t accomplish anything this time around, sweetheart? That’s okay. Give it another shot after we bend out of the rules. Scratch that. Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like spoiled children. Here, let us make it easy for you to achieve it, here is a red carpet, cuz you are a lady.”
I found both the versions very interesting, and being the diplomat that I am, I decided not to choose sides. Chauvinism or Feminism is an age old argument and will remain for times to come. However, I have always respected women as well as found them equally competitive, if not more, in all fields they wish to enter. Well, almost all.
There are some things which you are genetically handicapped to do. One such thing for women is driving. I know that it seems pretty hypocritical to come from a person who does not know driving himself. But, I have my strong reasons for such a statement. Off late, I have been commuting a lot via road (as there is no alternate transport mode in Surat). I have learnt that most of the accidents happening on road involve women in some or the other way. There are times when they apply brakes suddenly without any reason just cuz they realize they have forgotten to purchase a grocery, or even more common is the crash on turn cuz they could not judge.
Recently, I had the privilege to accompany a very pretty lady in her car on the streets of Surat. Being the driving illiterate that I am, I placed myself in the passenger’s seat. The beautiful lady took the wheel in her hands and we were driving down the streets of Surat. I was avoiding very detailed conversation with her cuz I realized that she must have taken her body language classes too seriously, specially the eye contact one. She used to almost turn sideways while talking to me. I showed my concern twice regarding the threat that prevailed if she took her eyes off the road. With silence prevailing between us, and the music playing in the background, we were moving in a bumper to bumper traffic. Suddenly, the cellphone of the lady rings and she reads the message sent to her. I would like to assume that the message must have been sent by her friend who was being chased by a rhino in some African sanctuary. What on the earth would otherwise be so important that she had to type back a reply while driving the car amidst the heavy traffic. Now, I do not know the exact sequence of sounds, but they went somewhat this way:
Type… Type… Type… Honk… Type… Accelerate… Brake… Honk… Type… Type… Type… Accelerate… Banggggggg… SHIT
The dent in the back door of Toyota Innova proved the point that the gorgeous lady who was accompanied by me definitely knew how to make long lasting impressions. I requested the lady, who had omitted to carry her license as she would have to port it around everywhere, to be seated in the car while I negotiated it out with the Innova Driver.
Now, the decision of me talking to the Innova driver instead of her was not thinking she will not be able to handle it. Nor was it with the feminist support attitude or with the opinion that I should help her as she cannot help herself. It was more because of her magnetism rather that the chauvinism or feminism. After a tough bargain (actually dictatorship at the other person’s end) and after losing a grand, I finally managed to settle it out. This is just one of the quite few cases that I know off and I have been a witness of, both directly as well as indirectly (through other people’s discussion).
Yet, I am not generalizing this Non-Driving Ability Syndrome to entire women community. I am just suggesting that next time you sit besides a girl in the car, wear your seatbelts and keep some cash handy if you wish to impress the lady like i did, if you dont wish to do so, she can handle herself well.
Dont try to support her, try to accompany her (Courtesy: Tum Bin: "Jaanta hu tumhe sahare ki zarurat nahi, main saath dene aaya hu)
So, in the end, I would just like to say that I have not had best of experiences sitting besides female drivers, but most of these experiences have resulted in very good turnouts finally. And all is well if the end is well.
My name is Shah... And I am not a chauvinist; nor a feminist...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The “customer”y events
After my last post about sales job in a financial sector, I guess most of you have built a perception that my job is the worst job possible, second only to that of Obama’s (obviously clearing the shit which others have pooped in a place which is stinking and filthy has to be the worst job). However, that is not the actual case. My job has its own “perks” too.
I don’t know if you earn enough to visit the high-brow places where a pianist plays on his organ even as you go ahead with your dinner. And even if you earn enough, I don’t know if such kind of places is your regular hangout. Mine isn’t. As G. K. Chesterton said “Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the pianist.” Perhaps that’s why I depend on my company’s largesse to take me to such places for sales meets and client events.
These client events, as hyped as they are, seem to be just another excuse to party out on company’s account which is not wrong after the “hard work” we put in for the franchise that we work for. Those of you who have attended such meetings/events can vouch for me when I say that all such meetings seem to have certain peculiar characteristics. These characteristics in itself are so strong that they form a very essential part of the meeting, more essential than the actual content and the purpose of the meeting. Some of them as observed by me are as follows:
ü The “Kenny G” Music: For those of you who are aware about the usage of a peculiar Music in various “cultural videos”, you would understand what I am referring to as Kenny G category of music. It is the kind of music which starts a particular category of video playback in your mind. This music is quintessential for such client events.
ü MS PowerPoint: The matter does not matter. What matters is that the matter is on the PowerPoint. The bigger the impression you wish to make, the lengthier, more complicated, with smaller fonted and with complicated graphs and diagrams you PowerPoint needs to be.
ü The starters: Most of the guests are more concerned with what is in the starters than who is the speaker. They are more interested in products on the menu than products of the offering via presentation. Thus, the most important reason for people arriving at the venue is largely misconceived to be the speaker, when as a matter of fact, it is the starter.
ü The “Barney” Syndrome: This is a perfect event for Barney Stinson (those who don’t know this character, what can I say… “GOOGLE”) to say “Suit up”. Every individual from the franchise is dressed at his/her best, as if the purpose of the event is to felicitate him/her with the Nobel Peace Prize. The tie has to perfectly blend with the shirt which needs to be properly tucked in the only pair of expensive trousers that you have which match perfectly with the blazer that you borrowed from your friend. It is in these events that you realize that the ever-abusing, competitive, pseudo-female who unfortunately is your colleague actually looks beautiful if she dresses up well.
Not only are the arrangements common across organizations, meetings, events and locations, but even the species of clients turning up are also similar. There are certain categories of client which definitely turn up at every event. Some of them are:
ü The Family Man: He is the only guy at the meet with his mother, two sisters and wife (and the neighbor’s kid who had never seen a five star hotel and thus wanted to come along). On bringing up the topic of the entire family being present in a casual conversation, he would reply, “Not my mistake, when you said ‘bring along your spouse’ I heard it as ‘bring along your house’.”
ü The Omniscient: These are the clients who are there to increase the knowledge of everyone present there, including the speaker and the panel of presenters. They have views, opinions and knowledge about every topic under the sun, and are very keen to impart the same to others. These are the clients who would stop the presenter in between his words to add on “I totally agree with your point. Also, looking at the article in the last month edition of Forbes magazine, the same point is reiterated when the writer shows where the economy will move.” The rest of the crowd just keeps on wondering what article is he referring to, and some even put a valiant effort next day to find that article only to realize that the article never existed.
ü The Question-mark: You would clearly know this kind if you have seen the character played by Paresh Rawal in the movie “Judaai”. These people are the kind who ask a question and then immediately start thinking about the next question without even caring about what the answer is. I know most of you would have images running in your mind with this description from your office or your college days. This specie of client will ask questions like “A beautiful looking scantily clad lady on NDTV Profit was mentioning in “Breakfast with Profit” that our economy is internal consumption driven. Why is this factor not considered while manufacturing the new brand of toothbrush that the company in which you have invested is selling?”
ü The Brochure demanders: These are the clients who do not wish to invest their money in your product, but just to make you feel good; they will approach you and demand a brochure of the product. They are sure they will not buy your product and you are sure too. The typical conversation which such client would be:
o Client: It’s a very good product. Brilliant Features
o Host: Thank you sir, it has been specially designed for our elite customers
o Client: Can you please provide me with the product brochure. I need to consult the same with my C.A., my family physician, my neighbor, the newspaper vendor, my son who studies in the US and possibly some aliens in Mars. I will get back to you on Monday
o Host: (after the client has left with the brochure) F#@* you loser
ü The Pinching Shoes: These are the clients who use your products, but always praise competitors. They will always tell you how your products are not good enough and how competitors are offering better quality, technology or price. You are thinking “why the hell do you use my product then?” They are the self proclaimed brand ambassadors of the competitors. A conversation with such client goes like this:
o Host: Sir, how did you find the product?
o Client: It’s ok. But the same product is being offered by your competitor since past 3 months. Infact their product is cheaper than this.
o Host: But sir, our product have blah blah blah features.
o Client: What are you going to do with blah blah blah. The competitors have crap crap shit features which are equally good for the price they are offering
o Host: Sir, nobody is putting money for crap crap shit anymore. Blah blah blah is really good.
o Client: (thinking in his mind) I don’t care which one is better. I have come for the free dinner
ü The “What am I doing here” clients: These are the clients who have no clue why they are invited at the event, what is the event about, what is the speaker talking about and why did he even think of coming at the event in the first place. They are the ones who are utterly disinterested and discomforted and wish or rather pray that the event be over very quickly.
ü The “Ray of Hope” Client: These are the very few clients who you think, if persuaded, will eventually buy your product. They are the reason for your partying out and cost of this party will be recovered from them. They are usually the ones whom the hosts tend to offer an extra plate of starter or the ones whom the hosts join during the session.
ü The easy-kills: Amidst the entire haystack of clients, these are the so called needles which you will find if you are lucky. They are the ones who are spot buyers; the ones who are really impressed about your product and are looking forward to buying them immediately.
IIf you have had the privilege of attending corporate client events like I have, you would be able to comprehend what I am trying to point at. Everyone in the organization knows what are client events organized for. So why not cut the crap and next time let us chill out in a disc at company’s expense so that we don’t have to put in such heroic efforts and go through all the pain just for dinner with music in a five star restaurant. After all, the company will same hefty amount of money by not feeding the 30-50 odd hungry clients. It’s a win-win situation. See, hiring MBAs have its own benefits; we provide such good solutions to the organization.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The end is near
Recently I came across a very interesting and rather an accurate definition of the biggest foul four lettered word ever formed - “BOSS”. It read “Boss is a person who thinks that nine women together can produce a child in one month”. I don’t know if this is true about all Bosses but it definitely holds its ground as far as all the Sales-superiors are concerned.
When you join any big organization, you are all excited, brimming with confidence, determined to make a difference to the organization, blah blah blah. After being six months in the organization, only the “blah blah blah” remains. The induction programme where they teach you all the Visions, Missions, Goals, Values, Compliance, Policies and so on are all replaced by a single word “TARGETS”. The selection of the word ‘targets’ is a very strategic one in the field of sales. It has a dual meaning; target is something you need to achieve if you do not wish to become the target of your boss’ fury.
There are a few fundamental relationships that exist any sales job:
ü The percentage of target to be achieved is inversely proportional to the time left for achieving the same.
ü The amount of pressure applied by the BOSS is exponentially directly proportional to the targets left to be achieved.
ü The number of customers not available on account of ill health, foreign visits, family deaths etc increases with every decreasing day of sales.
Amidst all these adversities and problems, life of a salesperson is truly one to admire. Every BOM (beginning of month - for all you non-sales people) brings new hopes, new aspirations and the same gets shattered with every month-end. There is a reset button in life of every sales person which gets pushed on 1st of every month. Whether last month was brilliant or pathetic holds no relevance, especially when it was brilliant, in a sales job.
I am not a veteran of the field called ‘sales’ till date, but from whatever experience I have had in the field, I have discovered some very important facts. First discovery is that the fantasy character of Werewolf has been inspired by a character which we all deal with in our daily lives – BOSS. The full moon day is nothing but the Month-end, when the beast within the boss gets unleashed to torment our lives and take away our sleep. Another discovery is that however good a performer you are, your boss will always find scope of improvement in your performance. Now, I myself am a believer of the fact that Nobody is perfect, but what surprises me is that whoever your boss is, whatever his qualifications are, whichever kind his nature is, he is always capable enough of finding that one scope of improvement in you every time. If you have done brilliant sales, he will know that you are not in touch with all your customers. If you are in touch with the customers, he will know that you are not well verse with company processes. If you take care of that too, he will know that you come to office fifteen minutes late. By the time you try to improve on all these factors, your precious sales time is lost and you are back to square one. I don’t know if this is a talent which gets developed in the training or it is an inbuilt quality that you acquire as soon as you lead a team.
Being in the banking sector, I have made one observation regarding my organization. The higher you are in the hierarchy in any sales organization, the lesser you know about the markets, the worse your sales skills are and the maximum of targets you expect to be achieved in the running month. I am not making these comments in air. I have concrete examples to prove my case. When financial industry was going under a severe recession, when the revenue stream to be earned via entry load in mutual fund was abolished, when the ULIP plans reduces commission because IRDA mandated them to do so, THAT WAS exactly when the top management increased sales team targets as they thought there is lot of opportunity to poach customers from other financial organizations (they think their brand is immune to these news and others are just shutting down post the news).
I am not complaining about my job, I know that everyone would like to add a suffix of “blow” in front of their job to describe it aptly. However, I just want to ask my BOSS and maybe his BOSS or maybe all the BOSSES in the world. What is up with this month-end? It is not as if the world is ending. It is not as if you may not live to sell another day, so might as well make the most of today. I have never understood the concept of this month-end. Even if I have over-achieved my targets, my boss will say ‘month-end hai bhai, kitna karega’. Why can’t they have month-mids or month-starts? One of the sidey shahrukh khan movies has a dialogue which interprets in English as “ Life is like a film, it always has a happy ending and if there is no happy ending it means that the film is not done yet.” After analyzing the phenomenon of month-ending, I did not find this statement apt, after all, what was so happy about this month-ending. But then I realized that the statement was truly apt, the end is nowhere in sight. The month-end takes reincarnation every month J.
I also want to ask another question, if I am supposed to attend the morning huddle for an hour, the evening huddle for another hour, provide detailed tracker of monthly numbers I have achieved and plan to achieve thrice a day, assist colleagues as we are TEAM PLAYERS, report to the counselor, the regional head, the service head, the product team, the product expert of all product lines, when am I supposed to do SALES? And all these activities increase exponentially with the end nearing (read: month-end).
There is one more aspect that I want to make clear. YOUR INSPIRATIONAL STATEMENTS DON’T INSPIRE. The kind to pep talks that these bosses give is unbelievably humorous and definitely not motivating. I cannot do anything else but quote some of them and leave it on the readers to decide which one is the funniest:
ü Don’t sell the apple, sell the crunch (and I thought I was selling Financial products)
ü I have full faith in this team. Now tell me how the hell will we achieve the numbers? (Some faith that is!)
ü You have a bright future ahead, if only you can survive this pressure month (as if this is the only pressure month of the century)
ü The superiors are tracking your every move. Make sure you don’t let them down. (am I some internationally wanted criminal? Am I on GPRS? Am I atleast on CCTV?? Damn, nobody is tracking me L)
ü You do these numbers for me and I’ll make sure I talk positive about you in the next regional meet. (Otherwise you bitch about me?? And btw, you don’t have any other interesting topic to discuss in the regional meet?)
ü I have high hopes from you, don’t let me down.
ü After a week: I had high hopes from you, you let me down. (How was I involved in you having and then not having high hopes)
ü Next Month: I have high hopes from you,……… (Damn, this guy never learns from his mistakes)
I can go on and on with this stuff, but I guess I have driven home the point. I personally do not have any issues with the month ending nor beginning neither do I wish to change the calendar system so wisely developed over a period of time. The only point I am trying to make is that it’s just another day. MONTH-END is not end of business, not end of career (hopefully), not end of client-relationship, it is just end of a MONTH. Jeeeeeeez, how hard is it to understand this?
I know that you people are worried what will happen to me if my boss reads this, but as Salesman Rocketsingh says “Risk to Spiderman ko bhi lena padta hai, Main to phir bhi Salesman hu!!!”
Anyways, I think I won’t be able to find much time as the end is near now, yes, the month-end. SO, to all of you, HAPPY ENDING!!!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
About train, journey and awaited destination
The train was speeding past some blurry stations. I was half asleep due to the last night of “peaceful gathering” that I had with my friends in Mumbai, half awake because of the gentleman sitting behind my seat who had to finish all his important telephonic conversations during the journey. It was a Monday morning and had it not been very, very essential for me to reach my workplace in Surat, it would have been impossible to push me into the A/c Chair-car compartment of the Shatabdi Express. Now, I don’t want to misguide you to think that I am some kind of party maniac who visits Mumbai on weekends to unleash the wild party animal that sleeps within him during the work weekdays. My purpose of visit was to meet up my family who has the privilege of residing in the ever-alive metro and to meet up few of the people I happen to call friends after my 21 years of existence in the metro before moving to Surat for work.
As I made myself comfortable in my window seat of the fastest mode of transport to Surat, I made some marvelous observations as well as some PhD material analysis. Here is the list of my analysis:
ü Most of beautiful specimen of opposite gender is always traveling by either the train before your train or by the one after yours.
ü The remaining few beautiful ladies will have to be placed in the coach either to your left or the one to your right.
However, defying my own research and to my pleasant surprise, I was privileged to have a fairly pretty lady as my companion for the next three hours. Not that I was going to astonish her by my charm or something, but it always feels good to have such company, even though it is just a superficial one. The lady placed herself at the seat beside me and hid herself into the complimentary newspaper which was lying on the seat on passenger’s arrival.
I was myself lost into the changes in the Indian economy and its impact on my client’s portfolio, trying to analyze every statement in the Economic Times. After all, being a Portfolio Manager in one of the reputed multi-national banks, I needed to keep myself updated to impress my clients with the knowledge that I possess and to make sure that my clients make profit from their investments and my bank makes profit from their future investments. Meanwhile, the pantry staff served us with Coffee and snacks.
After doing MBA, you tend to realize how you are surrounded by brands and how these brands try to be around you anywhere and everywhere. Right from the newspapers placed on the seats, to the “Nescafe”, “Everyday” and “Britannia Marie”, every brand was trying to woo the elite customers travelling in the fastest train on the route. After I finished reading the Economic Times which I always carried while travelling and the newspaper lying on my seat, I placed them at the pouch in front of my seat. That was when she turned to me and said – Can I have that newspaper, mine has coffee all over it.
Before you start concluding this as some sort of romantic love-story developing at 200 kmph, let me clarify that this was the only conversation I had with her. Partly because I was too sleepy to start a conversation, partly because I knew it was too much of effort and the results would not justify the efforts (when you are MBA, you tend to use cost-benefit analysis for possibly everything in life).
After knowing every detail about the financial condition of my country, I thought I would rest a while as it was another hour and forty minute for my destination to arrive. As my heavy pupils were about to find company of each other, I suddenly heard a loud roar of “Kyun Paisa Paisa karti hai”, the latest Bollywood music fortunate to be the ringtone of a gentleman who was an Auditor of Railway Services traveling by the train. Not that we had a formal introduction, or that I was eavesdropping on his conversation, it was the sheer level of sound at which he conversed that increased this trivia of entire coach. The gentleman had a problem with the fact that he was offered Cutlets with less green peas in the train and was determined to file this in his audit report. As the gentleman tried to raise his voice to one of the biggest problems which our nation faced currently “depletion of green peas from cutlets”, I struggled to find sleep in my seat as we passed another station in the train. The gentleman had his vigorous discussion on phone for another 15 minutes and then decided that rather than involving someone half asleep in his bed and waiting for action to happen, he should take matters in his own hand to solve this major crisis that he had discovered. Thus, he called up a Pantry guy and asked him to bring the “Complaint Book”. The pantry guy offered to provide assistance to solve the issue at hand by providing another cutlet with extra green peas. The next 10 minutes were devoted to the heroic speech of gentleman mentioning that it was not a matter of him getting the green peas. He was fighting for greater good, not a green pea for him, but green peas for everyone. Before the pantry guy could revive from the first blow that the gentleman had given him, in came another blow. The gentleman queried why he was not given an option for choosing between Upma and Cutlet, why was his democratic right of choice taken away and why the cutlet was forced upon him by the pantry dictators. The discussion went on for another 20 minutes post which they ended up in a truce of providing complimentary juice to the entire coach. Thus, due to our valorous hero, we received what mankind had always been fighting for, Mango Juice.
All these events had consumed half of my journey as the train halted at Vapi, the only stop between Mumbai and Surat. The lady besides me had already consumed her third cup of coffee and was now reading the Bollywood section of her “borrowed” newspaper. I decided against dozing off now, lest I miss out my stop and lose my job due to absence in the meeting with the regional head which started at 11 a.m. on the same day. Moreover, my sleep had dropped its guns against the courage and the zeal that the gentleman in the seat behind me had portrayed.
One unique thing about your body once you start working is that it schedules itself according to your daily schedule. Thus, as we crossed Vapi and also my regular waking up time, my body-clock started sending my alarm for a very important activity. I usually avoid using Publicly available human-waste disposal units for the simple reason that more often than not, I have found that the waste has been disposed in the units but has not been disposed from the units. Thus, I tried to practice self-control to avoid confrontation with something unexpected and unpleasant. While I was trying to manage my own problems, a team of three entered the coach to get “feedback” from us regarding the problems we were facing in the train. It was an external survey agency appointed by Indian Railways to get feedback on service levels in Shatabdi and Rajdhani trains in the country so that they can improve their services. While the gentlemen conducting the survey entered from the backside and explained how our feedback was important and how it would take just few minutes of our time, I was deciding between the temptation to be tension-free and the ordeal of facing specimen of other people’s release of tension.
The survey gentlemen gave the activist at the rear another opportunity to spill out his plight. As I took the survey sheet, more to divert my mind than to help the government improve, I realized that the survey was focused on the hygiene in the train and in the toilets of the train in specific too. So, after completing the survey in the next two minutes, I set out to help the railways get a feedback on how clean or unclean their toilets were. As I reached the doors of the toilet, I could almost hear harps playing in the background. I pushed the door with the sign “western toilet” to find that the heaven was already occupied by another angel. I waited for my turn, feeling like the “slumdog” actors waiting in queue for their turn while there seemed to be a regular appearance of people in and out of the opposite side door bearing the sign “Indian Toilet”. After waiting for 10 minutes in reality but which felt like eternity at that time, in that position, I was caught in a Catch 22 Situation. Should I wait at this door for the gentleman/ lady to exit or should I go across the coach to avail the facility at the far end? I decided to stand my ground, partly having known the “Queue Principle” (the queue that you are in always moves slower) and partly because it would take lot of energy to move across the coach and I would not want the potential energy within me to turn into kinetic before I reach the intended destination. After another 300 seconds had passed by, I called out the pantry guy and drove his attention to the door which had been lying closed since the creation of mankind. I showed my concern for the person within, after all, we do not know what kind of effect the poisonous gases within that gas chamber might have had on the poor occupant. The pantry guy very casually replied – Sahab, ab hum andar jaakar thodi dekh sakte hai. Koi hoga bina ticket wala, seedha Surat ya Baroda pe hi niklega.
After having lost around 20 minutes of my time and realizing that my wait might prove to be unproductive, I gathered courage to move back into my coach, walk all across it and reach the other end. As I reached my destination which had the same sign as the starting point of my Journey “Western Toilet”, I would have done a Somersault and a split had I not been restrained by my hassled status and lack of flexibility. THE DOOR WAS OPEN and the toilet was CLEAN. As I fastened the latch of the door, the speaker in the toilet blared out – We are shortly arriving at Surat. Disheartened, shattered and discomforted I reached my seat quickly, took my baggage and without even glancing the lady who was still placed at her earlier position, I walked towards the exit. It is very surprising how somethings which attract us at most times in our life lose their importance when you are placed in certain peculiar situations. This is what I term as “LAW of PRIORITIES”.
As my train applied brakes, I realized that my ordeal was not over yet. The train had halted just outside Surat station waiting for a green signal to enter its destination. However, it was very difficult to stop everything via signals, and I was trying to do the same. I wondered if wearing a red underwear would have helped! After another five minutes and lot of meditation and yoga during these minutes, I placed my feet on Surat station platform. Without looking around or waiting for the train to halt completely, I made my way through the rush of passengers towards the Rickshaw stand and got into a rickshaw. Without wasting time over bargaining, I placed myself in a Rickshaw only to find the Rickshawwallah answering – Gas nahi hai, koi dusra rickshaw pakad lo. The word “GAS” seemed to be a bit louder than usual. I got down and got in another rickshaw, which was being operated by a gentleman who seemed to be as ancient as civilization itself and his rickshaw just a bit younger than him. Thus, we set on the roads of Surat at a turtle pace. It took colossal effort to provoke the rickshawwallah to accelerate and my body did not permit me to strain myself to that extent. Thus, I sat quietly watching birds overtake the rickshaw as it “paced” on the flyovers of Surat. Finally, I reached my rented premises in Surat. Without waiting to discuss price, I paid an additional Tenner to the rickshawallah and rushed to open the lock of my house. Finally, I had reached HOME SWEET HOME…
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