The “customer”y events

After my last post about sales job in a financial sector, I guess most of you have built a perception that my job is the worst job possible, second only to that of Obama’s (obviously clearing the shit which others have pooped in a place which is stinking and filthy has to be the worst job). However, that is not the actual case. My job has its own “perks” too.

I don’t know if you earn enough to visit the high-brow places where a pianist plays on his organ even as you go ahead with your dinner. And even if you earn enough, I don’t know if such kind of places is your regular hangout. Mine isn’t. As G. K. Chesterton said “Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the pianist.” Perhaps that’s why I depend on my company’s largesse to take me to such places for sales meets and client events.

These client events, as hyped as they are, seem to be just another excuse to party out on company’s account which is not wrong after the “hard work” we put in for the franchise that we work for. Those of you who have attended such meetings/events can vouch for me when I say that all such meetings seem to have certain peculiar characteristics. These characteristics in itself are so strong that they form a very essential part of the meeting, more essential than the actual content and the purpose of the meeting. Some of them as observed by me are as follows:

ü The “Kenny G” Music: For those of you who are aware about the usage of a peculiar Music in various “cultural videos”, you would understand what I am referring to as Kenny G category of music. It is the kind of music which starts a particular category of video playback in your mind. This music is quintessential for such client events.

ü MS PowerPoint: The matter does not matter. What matters is that the matter is on the PowerPoint. The bigger the impression you wish to make, the lengthier, more complicated, with smaller fonted and with complicated graphs and diagrams you PowerPoint needs to be.

ü The starters: Most of the guests are more concerned with what is in the starters than who is the speaker. They are more interested in products on the menu than products of the offering via presentation. Thus, the most important reason for people arriving at the venue is largely misconceived to be the speaker, when as a matter of fact, it is the starter.

ü The “Barney” Syndrome: This is a perfect event for Barney Stinson (those who don’t know this character, what can I say… “GOOGLE”) to say “Suit up”. Every individual from the franchise is dressed at his/her best, as if the purpose of the event is to felicitate him/her with the Nobel Peace Prize. The tie has to perfectly blend with the shirt which needs to be properly tucked in the only pair of expensive trousers that you have which match perfectly with the blazer that you borrowed from your friend. It is in these events that you realize that the ever-abusing, competitive, pseudo-female who unfortunately is your colleague actually looks beautiful if she dresses up well.

Not only are the arrangements common across organizations, meetings, events and locations, but even the species of clients turning up are also similar. There are certain categories of client which definitely turn up at every event. Some of them are:

ü The Family Man: He is the only guy at the meet with his mother, two sisters and wife (and the neighbor’s kid who had never seen a five star hotel and thus wanted to come along). On bringing up the topic of the entire family being present in a casual conversation, he would reply, “Not my mistake, when you said ‘bring along your spouse’ I heard it as ‘bring along your house’.”

ü The Omniscient: These are the clients who are there to increase the knowledge of everyone present there, including the speaker and the panel of presenters. They have views, opinions and knowledge about every topic under the sun, and are very keen to impart the same to others. These are the clients who would stop the presenter in between his words to add on “I totally agree with your point. Also, looking at the article in the last month edition of Forbes magazine, the same point is reiterated when the writer shows where the economy will move.” The rest of the crowd just keeps on wondering what article is he referring to, and some even put a valiant effort next day to find that article only to realize that the article never existed.

ü The Question-mark: You would clearly know this kind if you have seen the character played by Paresh Rawal in the movie “Judaai”. These people are the kind who ask a question and then immediately start thinking about the next question without even caring about what the answer is. I know most of you would have images running in your mind with this description from your office or your college days. This specie of client will ask questions like “A beautiful looking scantily clad lady on NDTV Profit was mentioning in “Breakfast with Profit” that our economy is internal consumption driven. Why is this factor not considered while manufacturing the new brand of toothbrush that the company in which you have invested is selling?”

ü The Brochure demanders: These are the clients who do not wish to invest their money in your product, but just to make you feel good; they will approach you and demand a brochure of the product. They are sure they will not buy your product and you are sure too. The typical conversation which such client would be:

o Client: It’s a very good product. Brilliant Features

o Host: Thank you sir, it has been specially designed for our elite customers

o Client: Can you please provide me with the product brochure. I need to consult the same with my C.A., my family physician, my neighbor, the newspaper vendor, my son who studies in the US and possibly some aliens in Mars. I will get back to you on Monday

o Host: (after the client has left with the brochure) F#@* you loser

ü The Pinching Shoes: These are the clients who use your products, but always praise competitors. They will always tell you how your products are not good enough and how competitors are offering better quality, technology or price. You are thinking “why the hell do you use my product then?” They are the self proclaimed brand ambassadors of the competitors. A conversation with such client goes like this:

o Host: Sir, how did you find the product?

o Client: It’s ok. But the same product is being offered by your competitor since past 3 months. Infact their product is cheaper than this.

o Host: But sir, our product have blah blah blah features.

o Client: What are you going to do with blah blah blah. The competitors have crap crap shit features which are equally good for the price they are offering

o Host: Sir, nobody is putting money for crap crap shit anymore. Blah blah blah is really good.

o Client: (thinking in his mind) I don’t care which one is better. I have come for the free dinner

ü The “What am I doing here” clients: These are the clients who have no clue why they are invited at the event, what is the event about, what is the speaker talking about and why did he even think of coming at the event in the first place. They are the ones who are utterly disinterested and discomforted and wish or rather pray that the event be over very quickly.

ü The “Ray of Hope” Client: These are the very few clients who you think, if persuaded, will eventually buy your product. They are the reason for your partying out and cost of this party will be recovered from them. They are usually the ones whom the hosts tend to offer an extra plate of starter or the ones whom the hosts join during the session.

ü The easy-kills: Amidst the entire haystack of clients, these are the so called needles which you will find if you are lucky. They are the ones who are spot buyers; the ones who are really impressed about your product and are looking forward to buying them immediately.

IIf you have had the privilege of attending corporate client events like I have, you would be able to comprehend what I am trying to point at. Everyone in the organization knows what are client events organized for. So why not cut the crap and next time let us chill out in a disc at company’s expense so that we don’t have to put in such heroic efforts and go through all the pain just for dinner with music in a five star restaurant. After all, the company will same hefty amount of money by not feeding the 30-50 odd hungry clients. It’s a win-win situation. See, hiring MBAs have its own benefits; we provide such good solutions to the organization.