Reunited Friends

He was all excited to meet them; the old college gang getting together after almost a decade. The inseparable five during the college would reunite.
There was so much to share, so much to know, so much to discuss, stuff during these years.
He tried fitting in the old college sweat-shirt but his gave up when the worn threads started breaking.
Reaching the venue before time, he waited looking at every person entering the café. Twenty minutes after the scheduled time, they were all there.
They exchanged pleasantries and asked about updates. The usual discussion of jobs and spouses and kids subsided in half an hour.
They looked at each other in an uncomfortable silence and with a formal smile on their faces. The common topics and the planned talks had all exhausted.
The friends had reunited but the friendship had not.

Small Desires

Soft toy; he thought; or maybe a small chocolate. Maybe just a bunch of flowers. He imagined her eyes brighten at the unexpected gift and smile breaking on her expressionless face. Afterall, she had been understanding and uncomplaining for the past one year.
BANG! Landed the new files on his desk. 'Happy Anniversary', he whispered, and immersed himself in the pile of files.

Forced Relation!

They were together all night long. He had not moved for hours; deeply engrossed in the embossed ink on the rolled wood. The smell of fresh pages blending with the morning dew made it even more enchanting. The world was lost to him and he was lost in the world of the book.

It was truly a romantic experience till he was told he will be tested on the book.

"Commitment?", he said, "Our's was a carefree love; not the one of obligations."

And their love was never the same again.

Why women baffle men?

We have discussed the rules of men world in my previous blog. Here, I am trying to highlight 10 things about women that baffle men. These are the reasons it is so difficult to understand women!

Men will completely understand and agree to this. Women, take this is sporting spirit and do provide some answers if you can.

Well, here we go. 10 things that men dont understand about women.

1. The Pack of Wolves syndrome

This is the biggest mystery of all times. Why do women travel in packs to restroom? I always imagine a secret portal to another world from inside the washroom which requires 2 or more people. What else can explain this phenomenon?
For men, they don't even talk to best friends inside washroom. Peeing is personal. For women, even if you have met another girl just 15 mins back, you will invite her to the loo with you.
I mean seriously, what's the deal. You don't even need to hold anything for which you may need assistance.
This is as big a mystery as Bermuda Traingle or the Malaysian Plane.

Tip for Guys: With all the ladies gone to the restroom, this is the apt time to check out the "stock market" in the room; if you know what I mean.

2. National Sport of Bitching

You bitch about friends, family, colleagues, celebrities, heck you even bitch about strangers.
There is no reason to talk badly about a girl that you saw across the room, no reason at all. She is not trying to steal your friends, or your man, or your job, she’s doing her own thing. So, what do you do? Find something wrong with her to bitch about obviously.
And the funniest part is, when the bitching partners change, the bitcher becomes the bitched about.

Tip for guys: Do not get involved in these conversations. Unless your name is Tiger Shroff, and you are gay. But in such case, it is most likely that you are the topic of bitching. So, avoid anyways.

3. The need to change your guy

I have seen lot of my friends succumb to this. Don't drink naa Babu! Why do to have to wear that tshirt Jaanu? Let's go to that social gathering instead of meeting your friends, Sweetu.
If you are so obsessed with your choices alone, you might as well go and have a relationship with yourself. Your guy is not a dog and you do not need to potty-train him.

Tip for Guys: Next time she tells you to change the shirt, you tell her to do the same and pick up the one that she wore just yesterday. If you survive the nagging, you are home. Try this a couple of times to get rid of this pain forever.

4. Shopping is Doping

Shopping for guys:
Need a black shirt > Go to nearest mall and enter the shop nearest to entry point > Pick the first black shirt and get it billed
Shopping for girls:
Need a black shirt > Take your guy along as he needs to drive you there > Go to a random market with no parking > Like the first shirt you saw but do not buy > Check 11 more shops for collection > Purchase 2 pair of shoes and a handbag while your guy is still struggling for the parking space > come back and tell the guy that you need to go to other market (But I just got parking space; Damnit) > Go to the other market and by the exact same shirt you liked in shop 1

Tip for Guys: Find the nearest watering holes at all markets. Grab a drink n relax while the lady does shopping.

5. Am I looking fat in this?

You just bought that 2 weeks back. How big can you get in two weeks?
There's the mirror, if you think you are fat, you probably are.
Not just in this. You look fat is everything. Its not the dress; its you.
(Pause of 15 seconds) I don't think so
No you are looking the usual
No you are not (eyes on the tv)
All of the above are wrong answers. Seriously, why do girls ask this question. Do you think men are better judge of fashion that you? Look in the mirror and decide.
And by the way, you should have thought about this when you finished that cake which I was eyeing.

Tip for Guys: The answer is NO. ALWAYS. And it should be blurted out in 3.52 seconds of the completion of question. Thank me when this saves your life.

6. "Time of the month" Symptoms

I understand that women have difficult life and that those days of menstrual cycle are painful and irritating. However, what's with throwing all the tantrums on others? It's not like we are responsible for this. Neither can we do anything to stop it. So while we can understand it is difficult for you, it does not give you right to make it as difficult for us.

Tip for Guys: Keep Safe Distance. However, if you get caught on the wrong side, do the right thing. Remember,  don't think about no action for 4 days; cuz if you do, there are high chances of no action for a long looong time.

7. The creep jerk binary

Oh! Look at that guy staring at me. Such a creep. That guy totally ignored us, he is such a jerk.
So any guy who smiles at you is a creep and who doesn't is a jerk. I understand the need to feel safe in a public place but not every guy who gives you a smile wants to rape you.
During my trip to Paris, I realized something important. It is ok to greet a stranger with a casual Good Morning. You can compliment a lady for her smile without sounding like a creep. People do take compliments at face-value without finding random meanings out of it.
Women in India need to definitely learn this.

Tip for Guys: Guys in India also need to learn this. Every woman who gives you a smile does not need to be described as "kya mast line de rahi hai!". Stop acting like a creep that the women think we are. Take the smile at its face value. The world is a better place if you do so.

8. Click me till you drop

Oh! we are having a sandwich. This is such a photo moment.
I am in a washroom? Selfie!!
Its the beach. Forget the sunset; click me.
Bhaisaab, ek photo lenge please.

Unbelievable self obsession! And what's more, there are just 3 standard poses. The duck-face selfie; the "Push bust in back and breasts in front" pic and the hand on the hip pose. You can change multiple backgrounds but the pose does not change. Why can't they just get 5 pics clicked and photoshop the backgrounds behind. Its Sasta, Sundar, Tikaao rasta.
Moreover, only clicking a snap is not enough. You need to show it to them and they will rate your photography skills. And there will be Re-Do. Again and again and again, till their eyes are open and hair is proper and neck is at 12.5° angle from the torso and the pulled-in breath in an attempt to look thin is not obvious.

Tip for Guys: If its a leisure trip, get high. That's the only thing which can give you strength to survive.

9. Ewwww, that's so dirty! Syndrome

Guys are very chivalrous. Hence, when in company of girls, they will try to put things subtly. There will be statements like "Check out 9 oclock", "Buns are hot", "Stop being a John Terry", " Be Ronaldo, go score".
What is the whole ewwwww deal? If you thought about some dirty meaning of those statements, it's you who is corrupt, not us. If you understand the meanings, either ignore or enjoy. But why ewwwww???

Tip for Guys: No matter how understanding your girl is, do not make direct statements. This euphemism is social protocol that you need to adhere to. Cuz anything you say or do can be used against you during a future argument.

10. Hostile Takeover Syndrome

The guy is peacefully sitting on the couch watching a football match. The girl comes in.
Whatcha watching? Real Madrid vs Barcelona
Oh, who is that? Bale
I did not know Christian Bale played football? That's Gareth Bale
Oh! Are they brothers? No
Well, has he acted in any movie. He can totally act in one. He looks pretty handsome.  No he has not acted in any movie.
Who is winning? Its 0-0
So you are watching this since 20 mins and there is nothing happening? Lemme see what's on the other channels. You can keep checking the score in between.
Wha...How...Where....When did that happen???
And it's not just home. Ever seen at pub where four guys sitting at a table discussing something and suddenly a lady comes in? Whatcha boys talking about? And within 5 minutes, no one has a clue what they are talking about.

Tip for Guys: Confuse them. When they ask you whatcha doing, start explaining the complex game strategies and bore them to the point that they get up and leave. I know, I'm a genius

P.S.: Not all women fall into all of the above categories. I need to put this disclaimer to survive.

Constitutional Definitions for Dummies

Considering the election fever and the sudden interest of youth in country's well being; I would like to attempt to reiterate a few fundamental definitions with my understanding of it. You are free to accept, reject, agree or disagree to it.

So here are 5 definitions which I think need to be revisited. We can add more post these are understood by everyone.

1. EQUALITY: the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, or opportunities.

My understanding: Equality is a state where both parties walk hand in hand, eye to eye (not the hilarious song eye to eye. WHAT?? YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THAT SONG?? Stop reading this, go to youtube, listen to eye to eye - Taher shah. And no, I am not related to him at all). But well, I am deviating. So equality is about being at same level.
Thus, when you make special provisions for a particular gender; you are making the base assumption that they are not equal and hence need special support. Special coaches / reservations is not equal.

2. SECULAR: not connected with religious or spiritual matters.

My understanding: Secularism is not to be confused with Minority appeasement. Secularism does not recognize religion. So when you say that a particular religion is minority; it is not secularism; at the most Idiotism.
As Shri Nana patekar says in Krantiveer, "Bata isme Hindu ka khoon kaunsa hai aur musalmaan ka, jab banaanewale ne fark nahi kiya to tum kaun hote ho fark karnewale". Quotas based on religion are against secularism.

3. JUSTICE: the process or result of using laws to fairly judge and punish crimes and criminals

My understanding: The key word here is 'using laws'. Thus, Shahrukh khan killing Shilpa Shetty in Baazigar was not justice. ( It may have been the only time KKR wins over RR, but not justice). Going on hunger strikes or vandalizing public property in the name of justice is not only wrong, but also contributor to injustice for various affected parties.
At the worst it is 'Gunda-raj'; at the best, an uprising; but not justice in either case.

4. LIBERTY: Freedom of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship

My understanding: It is not a brand of footwear endorsed by Hrithik Roshan; well it is, but not in this context. It is giving freedom to a person to act on his own till it is in purview of law.
Thus, arresting and vandalising people for facebook status or comment is NOT liberty. Attacking a person for his faith in one religion is not liberty. Restricting people of country from owning land in certain state is not liberty.

5. DEMOCRACY: A system of government by the whole population or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives.

My understanding: It is a system where every stakeholder's opinion matters. In case where the stakeholders disagree, the majority would determine the course of action. It is also the reason, Himesh Reshamiya can torture people with his movies, but that's a separate discussion area.
Thus, when a particular stakeholder wants to support one ideology, you MAY NOT call him names rhyming with retard. You may argue, debate and attempt to convince, but all in the spirit of democracy. You may also not abuse and insult the representatives you yourself had selected. Criticism is ok, Abusing is not.

If you have any different opinions on these definitions, they are welcome. However, remember that its a democracy and hence I have liberty to share my opinion. You may do justice to the blog by commenting below. :)

10 commandments between men

My train trips to office are leaving me with some spare time and that results in you suffering with my frequent blogs.

Having said that, I received a lot of queries on the commandment I mentioned in the previous write up; ok not a lot; a few; ok just 3. However, I have listed down below the top 10 unmentioned commandments or rules followed between guys.

10. The Blush Crush Commandment

You do not demean or insult a guy in front of his crush or the lady who makes him blush. You rather praise him, improve his chances even though you know he doesn't stand a chance.
You are not ruled by this commandment if you yourself like the chick and are in the game!!!

9. The Sport Talk Continuum Commandment

A dude will never walk away from a sport talk. If its sport, you have to be there. If you have the knowledge, contribute, else learn. The only exception to this is when a bro has a date and needs to rush. After all, sports does have repeat telecast.
Bylaw to this is; a guy will always confirm with all others included in the discussion before revealing the final score of previous night's match. 24 hours time is universally given to coverup for missed matches.

8. Traffic signal commandment

While waiting at the signal, a guy will get his car hood as close to the front car's bumper as possible. He will also start honking instanteneously the moment signal turns green.
You think this is nuisance?? Random?? Ignorant??
It is not. It is for the greater good. It is for that person sitting 10 cars behind who will not make it past the signal otherwise. We believe in helping all men all the time.

7. The Car Etiquette Commandment

If three guys are sharing the backseat of a car, none of the guys are allowed to spread their arms behind the other guys to increase space. If you are driving some other guy's car, do not change the preset rear view mirrors, seat, radio stations. This rule can be relaxed if the difference of weight between two drivers is 43 kgs or more.

6. The Pinky Promise Commandment

Remember those childhood pinky promises? You did not break it under any circumstances. The exact same strong bond applies here.
A guy does not screw up other guy by telling his secrets to parents, siblings or wife.
No smoking habits, drinking habits, extra marital affairs can be reveals to blood or marriage relations.
If you have a conflict to settle with the guy; do it like a man; by sticking weird notes on his office desk. But no involving family.

5. Bros before... err... ahem... women

Founded by Michael Scott and made famous by the legen...wait for it... dary Barney Stinson; this rule does not need any explanation.
You will choose a bro over the lady, no matter how hot, when a bro is in need.
For dogs it is Owner before Boner; For men it is Bros before Hoes.

4. One Urinal Gap Commandment

If you subscribe to my blog (which I doubt), you would have come across this commandment earlier.
One does not simply checkmate another guy in the urinal. You leave a gap of one between two occupied comfort stations; always!
Corollary to that is No eye contact. To make it easier to remember, the golden rule is; Zipper down, eyes down.

3. Die before you cry

Tears?? Who me??? You must be joking. Men do not cry; they may precipitate from eyes or sweat from retina. But they simply do not cry.
The exceptions are when your club loses the cup or when your team wins a cup after almost a decade (relevant only for Arsenal fans!!) or when a sports legend retires or when Goku dies! You gotta cry when Goku dies.

2. The Birthday Wish Commandment

A guy is not required to remember other guy's birthday (or anybody's birthday for that matter). A guy may however wish the other friend on facebook or any other social media if he comes to get knowledge of the birthday. A phonecall may be made to wish birthday; but discussion on or surrounding birthday should not last for more than 30 seconds.
Sample Conversation:
"Dude, Happy bday"
"Thanks mate"
"What plans?"
"Nothing major"
"Cool. Did you see the 'Loser-pool messing up again match' yesterday?"

1. Do not show! Do not tell!

Under no circumstances, including but not limited to apocalypse, is it appropriate for a guy to talk about his or any other guy's; well; undercarriage. You do not describe, do not compare,  do not talk, do not peep, do not mention. This includes discussing the innerwear brands you use. If you accidentally brush past another guy's 'joystick' while walking; you continue walking without turning back or apologizing.
You can, however, use the reference to drive home point which is in terms of metaphor like "balls to you", "have some balls", "don't think from your little brain".

What angers the guys!!

It seems like the season of numbering and listing down various items and I wish to give my contributions to the cause.

So, here are 8 sure ways of pissing off a guy. TRY ANY OF THE BELOW AT YOUR OWN RISK.

1. Standing between a man and the sport getting telecasted on the T.V.

Ever happened to you that your favourite team is dribbling the ball towards their goal post when your mom appears between you and the T.V. discussing the evening menu while you can hear the excitement in the commentary converting to pure adrenaline when your team scores and you miss the goal? Surely angers you, doesn't it?

2. Getting fashion comment from another dude

I don't care if my shirt is too wrinkled or my tshirt doesn't match my pants. You are lucky enough that I am actually wearing pants. Do not comment on my fashion style, or hair style. Only acceptable comment is a compliment on my watch or shoes if I am wearing any. NO! COMPLIMENT ONLY UNDIES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE!

3. Check-mate at the men's room

You enter the washroom to find that there are 3 urinals. And some jerk is peeing in the middle urinal!!!

Such blasphemy! Utter social disregard!
One simply does not break the One Urinal Gap Commandment.

4. Waiting outside/inside an all women shopping store

We are not your free porters to accompany you to those random women stores where you shop till you drop and we spend our precious time trying to avoiding head on collisions,  shoulder brushes, elbows cuts, knee kicks, rabbit punches and random stunts.

If you have the strength to roam around the store for 2 hours; you definitely have the strength to carry the bags home.

5. Women saying "It's just a game"

Is your favorite Steve Madden just shoes?
Is Hugh Grant's romantic scene is Nottinghill just another scene?

When we don't comment on your choices (nor do we care), we expect similar mutual understanding when our team is losing.
We don't need your consolations nor your pep talks.

Just let it be!!

6. Social events (without food)

Admit it! Men go to social events for food.  And booze. And food. And hot chicks. And did I mention food?

So, when a guy is invited to an social gathering where there is no food; there is nothing to do there.

It is inhuman to plan a social gathering with no food. Have mercy.

7. The "Guys have it easy" talks

No we do not have it easy at all. We can't talk our way into getting assistance from colleagues, we can't wear pretty dress on appraisal day to get the deserved rating; And we definitely can't have deep necks working in our favour.

It's no longer a guy's world. Admit it!!

8. The drink table bargers

It is my drink. I have ordered the drink. Unless I officially invite you and give you the elite privilege of sharing seat with me, do not come near.

A guy with his drink is having a personal moment. You have no right to invade that delicate relationship. Respect the pure romance!