The Most Eligible Bachelor

I know that I haven't been a very regular blogger. Can't help it!!! Most of my time and energy is being devoured by the menace called work and the remaining time is being spent currently in one of the most important task at hand; ATTENDING WEDDINGS.

I am sure every person goes through this phase and age in life when everyone around you seems to get married. Remember that geeky guy or smelly girl in your college who you thought cannot hook up even if Bill Gates adopted them? Even they will have their typical 'posed for album' pics uploaded on Facebook. I understand that even the generation prior to us would have gone through this phase, but they would not be looking at the pics of the class mate in pre-school getting married. That privilege is confined for our generation alone.

Recently, I attended two of my closest friend's wedding; Mr. K Jo and Mr. Bubai. Not that this was my first attended wedding, but the sheer fact that I was there present for all the ceremonies under the 'coming soon' window gives a different perspective to the entire experience. Wondering what coming soon window is?

During my cultural expeditions in these wonderful Indian traditional arrangement, I have observed the various clan of people attending these events. I have classified them for my reader's convenience under various categories as below:

1. Coming Soon Window: This window is the precise reason most of us attend these weddings. This clan comprises of all those younger cousin and close friends that the bride or the groom have. These species are usually found in herd in the wedding jungle and they hang around in gender specific troops. Each member of this herd tries to over power the other member by dressing up. The female herd has an advanced ability of tracking the male herd through corners of eyes and they make weird giggly sounds cracking naughty jokes. The male herd, being the bolder one, directly stares at the female herd and usually is found around the female herd. These people get the closest place to all the wedding action as they roam around the bride or the groom.

2. Cupid's Assistants: Also known as Panditjis or Match makers,these people are visionaries. They not only enjoy the current wedding but are also planning for future free lunches and dinners by match making. These are the uncles and aunties who don't even know you but who have already decided the best possible match for you. They will inquire about your parents and their parents and your ancestral heir-line and would have decided the names of your 2nd daughter and 3rd son too. Statutory Warning: BEWARE OF SUCH PEOPLE

3. Self-Appointed Coordinators: These are those respected elderly people who just have to wear a Dhoti and kurta for the wedding and who cannot understand why is the bride taking more that 10.3 minutes to get ready. They think it is their moral obligation to save this marital event from being a fiasco by self-embracing the difficult task of speeding up all the events. These are the Uncles walking besides the "Bandwallahs" trying to train them for Olympic race, the inspiration for 'Daya from CID" to break the door by banging it with bare hands and the primary reason for not letting the groom think the marriage through (which if he does, he might not go through the ceremonies at all)

4. Foodie for Life: As the name suggests, these are the category of people who are always found in and around the kitchen or caterers. They are the first ones to know what the wedding menu is; sometimes even before the food is on display. Mind it, don't think that these people are there for any ulterior selfish reason. They are there for greater good. Their task is to provide a detailed review on the menu for benefit of all. If you wish to know which veggie is extra spicy, which sweet is going to be over soon, what are the highlights of the food arrangements and what should you save some space in plate and tummy for, these are the people to contact. Understanding the basic arrangement of cost per plate that most Indian weddings have, they try to accommodate themselves either directly from counters or from others' plates.

5. "Is it our function" people: These are the near and dear relatives of the bride and the groom. Primarily comprising of parents and siblings of the marrying couple, these people are too busy attending to guests and most of the time miss out on attending to the wedding ceremonies. These are the tortured souls who are running around to arrange the towel for 'fufaji' or pick up facility for Jalandharwali Masiji or Mosquito repellent for foreign returned Chachiji. In the end, they just keep on running between the wickets while the trophy ceremony is already concluded.

6. Odd Man Out: These are the people who have been invited out of some distant relationship and have no business being in the wedding at all. This comprises of Sibling's boss, Durr ke Chacha's son, Dad's colleague's family and so on. These people try to fit into the entire arrangement, mostly in vain. They are unaware of what their role is in the entire wedding, are usually standing in a corner waiting for the newly wed to appear for gifting so that they can leave and heave a sigh of relief.

7. Pehchaan Kaun: These are those species of guests who have this strange habit of going to either of the wedding parties and asking them "Beta, Pehchana Mujhe?". A mere YES would not suffice. They are too smart for you and you cant play them. The next question would be "Batao mera naam kya hai?". The poor to-be wed would be frantically looking for a clue or hint from anyone around, helplessly praying that the torment would end.

8. Record-Marriage Attender: These are those rare ancient species of attendees who had attended the wedding of Adam and Eve too. They are aware of all the ceremonies, its by-processes and its various slang forms. They are the experts on this subjects are are available for free guidance (irrespective of whether it is needed or not) They can replace the Pandits in case the pandit cannot come due to loose motions from overeating at previous wedding. Not listening to them might enrage them and put the whole celebration in jeopardy. So, however silly the suggestion may seem, however redundant the ceremony may be, do it if they want you to, if you wish to see yourself married.

I am sure you can add a lot more of these typical people from your experiences. I have had my share of experiences in the last two weddings I attended. I not only observed most of these typical characters (no offence to any family members of my dearest friends) but had my share of interactions with them too. When you are in a friend's wedding and are actively involved in a few ceremonies, you suddenly become the most eligible bachelor around, or atleast you start feeling so. This eligibility has no language, caste or at times age barrier. Whether it is Neerajbabu (a friend of mine who is married and has the cutest baby girl) or it is Kaushalbhai (who attended the wedding with +1) or Akanksha (who would be a bit more 'matured' than most of the guys she was suggested to be perfect for) or me (THE MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR), we all felt special. Thank you Bubai Dada for making us feel special and thank you K JO for the same too.

Cheers to you and your married life!!! 

A tribute!!!

Just trying to give tribute to Late Padma Bhushan Shri Jagjit Singh my way... By attempting to add some verses to his work.... Do let me know how they are...

Hoshwalon ko khabar kya bekhudi kya cheez hai,
Ishq kije, phir samajhiye, zindagi kya cheez hai...

Tum nahi ho to andhere, har taraf maujood hai,
Tum hi aakar ab bataao, roshni kya cheez hai,
Ishq kije phir samajhiye, zindagi kya cheez hai...

Apni palko me chupaakar, mausamo ke maayne,
Tumne duniya ko sikhaya, saadgi kya cheez hai,
Ishq kije, phir samajhiye, zindagi kya cheez hai...

Humne unke dar pe apni zindagi karli basar;
Hum deewane kya bataaye, bandagi kya cheez hai,
Ishq kije, phir samajhiye, zindagi kya cheez hai...



Kal chaudhvin ki raat thi, shab bhar raha charcha tera,
Kucch ne kaha woh chand hai, kucch ne kaha, chehra tera...

Kya karti hai teri nazar, hota hai yeh kaisa asar,
Main ho gaya aashiq tera, Main ho gaya qurbaan tera,
Kal Chaudhvi ki raat thi, shab bhar raha charcha tera...

Tujhse juda jaau kaha, har zarre me maujood tu,
Har jhoka hai, khushbu teri, Har Os (dew) hai, katra tera,
Kal chaudhavi ki raat thi, Shab bhar raha, charcha tera...

Aashiq ki ho mehfil agar, Kaise na ho tera zikr,
Kucch ne padha kalma tera, kucch ne kiya sadka tera,
Kal chaudhvi ki raat thi, shab bhar raha charcha tera...


Not trying to fit in the maestro's shoes, just trying to get inspired...

Just some thoughts!!!

आ भी जाओ के ज़िन्दगी कम है,

तुम नहीं हो तो हर ख़ुशी कम है,

वादा कर के भी यह कौन नहीं आया,

इस शहर में आज रोशनी कम है,

जाने क्या हो गया है मौसम को,

धुप ज्यादा है, चांदनी कम है,

आईना देखकर यह ख्याल आया,

आजकल उनकी दोस्ती कम है,

तुम्हारे दर पर हम इंतज़ार में है,

खुदा के घर में आज बंदगी कम है,

याद रखना मुझे 'बेनाम' ही सही,

पहेचान के लिए सारी ज़िन्दगी कम है...

Diet is for Losers!!!

To begin with, let me apologize for not torturing you with my smartass writeups for quite some time. I would want to blame it to lack of inspiration or to my busy schedule. However, I don't think any of you are interested to know the reason as long as you are spared from my article.

If you are thinking why the hell did I start writing again, you should blame it all on a friend whom I met today for dinner. He was discussing over the dinner that this was his last big meal. I was almost about to call up suicide helpline to assist him when he clarified that he was planning to go on an only fruit diet!!! Diet??? Isn't that the thing which brainless models and homosexual actors do? What happened to real men???

Nowadays there is a new revolution sweeping the slimmers of the world. This revolution is the No-Carbohydrates-all Protein diet which promises to take people who are fat enough to justify the premium sofa seats of movies and to turn them in to all muscle no fat no nonsense people, who would look like the Hritik Roshans and Kareena Kapoors of the world.

What has happened to all the people? Whatever happened to enjoying one’s meal, I will never know. In my hostel days, we never bothered about carbohydrates or phosphates or vertebrates. We just ate. Especially if the dinner was by my mom, who must have been convinced by some professional witchdoctors that any food that was visible on the dinner table after 9 PM must be emptied in my guts. If I had told my mom, that carbohydrates are bad for me, she would have laughed like a hysterical Lalita Pawar and would have still used a funnel against my mouth to tilt the table into. The point being meals were to be enjoyed for the taste. This diet concept would mean that you would have to have the Bun Maska without Maska, Butter chicken without butter and without chicken, Cheese Pakoda without Cheese and without the fried pakoda. Is that a life worth living?

Bollywood too has set some really unrealistic expectations of human pulchritude. I mean what's with the zero figure nonsense. Agreed the Chamakchallo song makes your mouth drool but I think the extra weighed Ohlaalaaaa by Vidya is the real thing. What happened to the old days when we had heroines like Rakhi, Asha Parekh and Mumtaz. I think Shammi Kapoors and Joy Mukherjees should have been honoured with Presidential gold medals, if not for anything than at least for cycling double seat uphill while humming songs, an activity which should be made mandatory for the Indian Cricket teams’ fitness trials. But gone are those days.

I am all for healthy eating but overdoing it is one thing. I am yet to meet a person who hates Ice cream or Rassogollas or Chocolates. The same goes for Rice or Chapatis. But since these are Carbohydrate based, our new age fitness freaks have given them the boot and survive on boiled vegetables and fruits which give them the happiness levels more than an orgasm. I strongly disagree with all this weird diet advice.

My theory is this; unlike A K Hangal (who I swear is around since 1639) and Baa from KSBKBT you have one life. Eat healthy, drink merrily and enjoy it. It is impossible to make your life perfect (though Sachin Tendulkar has come pretty close) or fool proof. So why make it worse? By all means eat healthy, vegetables etc but never forget the Beer.

Chetan Bhagat @ Symbiosis Pune

Good Morning everyone and thank you for giving me this chance to speak to you. This day is about you. You, who have come to this college, leaving the comfort of your homes (or in some cases discomfort), to become something in your life. I am sure you are excited. There are few days in human life when one is truly elated. The first day in college is one of them. When you were getting ready today, you felt a tingling in your stomach. What would the auditorium be like, what would the teachers be like, who are my new classmates - there is so much to be curious about. I call this excitement, the spark within you that makes you feel truly alive today. Today I am going to talk about keeping the spark shining. Or to put it another way, how to be happy most, if not all the time.

Where do these sparks start? I think we are born with them. My 3-year old twin boys have a million sparks. A little Spiderman toy can make them jump on the bed. They get thrills from creaky swings in the park. A story from daddy gets them excited. They do a daily countdown for birthday party â€" several months in advance â€" just for the day they will cut their own birthday cake.

I see students like you, and I still see some sparks. But when I see older people, the spark is difficult to find. That means as we age, the spark fades. People whose spark has faded too much are dull, dejected, aimless and bitter. Remember Kareena in the first half of Jab We Met vs the second half? That is what happens when the spark is lost. So how to save the spark?

Imagine the spark to be a lamp's flame. The first aspect is nurturing - to give your spark the fuel, continuously. The second is to guard against storms.

To nurture, always have goals. It is human nature to strive, improve and achieve full potential. In fact, that is success. It is what is possible for you. It isn't any external measure - a certain cost to company pay package, a particular car or house.

Most of us are from middle class families. To us, having material landmarks is success and rightly so. When you have grown up where money constraints force everyday choices, financial freedom is a big achievement. But it isn't the purpose of life. If that was the case, Mr. Ambani would not show up for work. Shah Rukh Khan would stay at home and not dance anymore. Steve Jobs won't be working hard to make a better iPhone, as he sold Pixar for billions of dollars already. Why do they do it? What makes them come to work everyday? They do it because it makes them happy. They do it because it makes them feel alive. Just getting better from current level s feels good. If you study hard, you can improve your rank. If you make an effort to interact with people, you will do better in interviews. If you practice, your cricket will get better. You may also know that you cannot become Tendulkar, yet. But you can get to the next level. Striving for that next level is important.

Nature designed with a random set of genes and circumstances in which we were born. To be happy, we have to accept it and make the most of nature's design. Are you? Goals will help you do that. I must add, don't just have career or academic goals. Set goals to give you a balanced, successful life. I use the word balanced before successful. Balanced means ensuring your health, relationships, mental peace are all in good order.

There is no point of getting a promotion on the day of your breakup. There is no fun in driving a car if your back hurts. Shopping is not enjoyable if your mind is full of tensions.

You must have read some quotes - Life is a tough race, it is a marathon or whatever. No, from what I have seen so far, life is one of those races in nursery school, where you have to run with a marble in a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point coming first. Same with life, where health and relationships are the marble. Your striving is only worth it if there is harmony in your life. Else, you may achieve the success, but this spark, this feeling of being excited and alive, will start to die.

One last thing about nurturing the spark - don't take life seriously. One of my yoga teachers used to make students laugh during classes. One student asked him if these jokes would take away something from the yoga practice. The teacher said - don't be serious, be sincere. This quote has defined my work ever since. Whether its my writing, my job, my relationships or any of my goals. I get thousands of opinions on my writing everyday. There is heaps of praise, there is intense criticism. If I take it all seriously, how will I write? Or rather, how will I live? Life is not to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here. We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity. If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years. And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends. Do we really need to get so worke d up? It's ok, bunk a few classes, goof up a few interviews, fall in love. We are people, not programmed devices.

I've told you three things - reasonable goals, balance and not taking it too seriously that will nurture the spark. However, there are four storms in life that will threaten to completely put out the flame. These must be guarded against. These are disappointment, frustration, unfairness and loneliness of purpose.

Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. If things don't go as planned or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger. What did this failure teach me? is the question you will need to ask. You will feel miserable. You will want to quit, like I wanted to when nine publishers rejected my first book. Some IITians kill themselves over low grades â€" how silly is that? But that is how much failure can hurt you. But it's life.If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be a challenge. And remember - if you are failing at something, that means you are at your limit or potential. And that's where you want to be.

Disappointment' s cousin is frustration, the second storm. Have you ever been frustrated? It happens when things are stuck. This is especially relevant in India. From traffic jams to getting that job you deserve, sometimes things take so long that you don't know if you chose the right goal. After books, I set the goal of writing for Bollywood, as I thought they needed writers. I am called extremely lucky, but it took me fi ve years to get close to a release. Frustration saps excitement, and turns your initial energy into something negative, making you a bitter person. How did I deal with it? A realistic assessment of the time involved â€" movies take a long time to make even though they are watched quickly, seeking a certain enjoyment in the process rather than the end result â€" at least I was learning how to write scripts, having a side plan â€" I had my third book to write and even something as simple as pleasurable distractions in your life - friends, food, travel can help you overcome it. Remember, nothing is to be taken seriously. Frustration is a sign somewhere, you took it too seriously.

Unfairness - this is hardest to deal with, but unfortunately that is how our country works. People with connections, rich dads, beautiful faces, pedigree find it easier to make it â€" not just in Bollywood, but everywhere. And sometimes it is just plain luck. There are so few opportunities in India, so many stars need to be aligned for you to make it happen. Merit and hard work is not always linked to achievement in the short term, but the long term correlation is high, and ultimately things do work out. But realize, there will be some people luckier than you. In fact, to have an opportunity to go to college and understand this speech in English means you are pretty damm lucky by Indian standards. Let's be grateful for what we have and get the strength to accept what we don't. I have so much love from my readers that other writers cannot even imagine it. However, I don't get literary praise. It's ok. I don't look like Aishwarya Rai, but I have two boys who I think are more beautiful than her. It's ok. Don't let unfairness kill your spark.

Finally, the last point that can kill your spark is isolation. As you grow older you will realize you are unique. When you are little, all kids want Ice cream and Spiderman. As you grow older to college, you still are a lot like your friends. But ten years later and you realize you are unique. What you want, what you believe in, what makes you feel, may be different from even the people closest to you. This can create conflict as your goals may not match with others. . And you may drop some of them. Basketball captains in college invariably stop playing basketball by the time they have their second child. They give up something that meant so much to them. They do it for their family. But in doing that, the spark dies. Never, ever make that compromise. Love yourself first, and then others.

There you go. I've told you the four thunderstorms - disappointment, frustration, unfairness and isolation. You cannot avoid them, as like the monsoon they will come into your life at regular intervals. You just need to keep the raincoat handy to not let the spark die.

I welcome you again to the most wonderful years of your life. If someone gave me the choice to go back in time, I will surely choose college. But I also hope that ten years later as well, your eyes will shine the same way as they do today. That you will Keep the Spark alive, not only through college, but through the next 2,500 weekends. And I hope not just you, but my whole country will keep that spark alive, as we really need it now more than any moment in history. And there is something cool about saying - I come from the land of a billion sparks.

Thank You.

Gandhi's No to Satyagrah By A. G. Noorani

(The below excerpt is just an article I came across and found it worth sharing with everyone. I have posted it verbatim without opinionating it with my thoughts)

ON November 25, 1949, as the Constituent Assembly of India completed its task, the Chairman of its Drafting Committee, Dr B.R. Ambedkar, replied to the general debate and said, “Here I could have ended. But my mind is so full of the future of our country that I feel I ought to take this occasion to give expression to some of my reflections.” What followed was a sustained, deeply felt cri de coeur:

“It is quite possible for this newborn democracy to retain its form but to give place to dictatorship in fact. If there is a landslide, the danger of the second possibility becoming actuality is much greater.
“If we wish to maintain democracy not merely in form, but also in fact, what must we do? The first thing in my judgment we must do is to hold fast to constitutional methods of achieving our social and economic objectives. It means we must abandon the bloody methods of revolution. It means that we must abandon the method of civil disobedience, noncooperation and satyagraha. When there was no way left for constitutional methods for achieving economic and social objectives, there was a great deal of justification for unconstitutional methods. But where constitutional methods are open, there can be no justification for these unconstitutional methods. These methods are nothing but the Grammar of Anarchy and the sooner they are abandoned, the better for us” ( Constituent Assembly Debates, Vol. XI, page 978).
When he made these remarks, devoted followers of Gandhi were present in the House – Jawaharlal Nehru and Vallabhbhai Patel, chiefly; but none contradicted him then or later. Gandhi's programme of civil disobedience or satyagraha was seldom free from violence. K.M. Munshi wrote of the participants in the Quit India Movement: “Truth to tell, what they did was anybody's business. It was certainly not non-violent even at the start.” There was extensive disruption of communications and destruction of public property ( Pilgrimage to Freedom, Vol. I, page 83).
The scholar Neeti Nair points out that “the line between hunger fast as penance, self-purification, and a form of political protest was blurred by Gandhi himself”. In Satyagraha in South Africa, Gandhi defined satyagraha as a “force which is born of truth and love or non-violence”. Neeti Nair establishes that “Gandhi's understanding of satyagraha developed over the years through particular struggles conducted by himself and those who claimed to perform satyagraha in his name”. Indeed “he characterised the hunger-strikes deployed by British women suffragettes in prison in 1909, which elicited forcible feeding, as resorting to physical violence. In 1920 he was alone in his criticism of the Irish leader Terrance MacSurineg's final hunger fast.” (Neeti Nair , Changing Homelands: Hindu Politics and the Partition of India, Permanent Black, 2011; pages 126-128. An extremely able work. Emphasis added, throughout.)
It is, therefore, unsafe and also unhistorical to cite the Gandhian precedent before Independence. Curiously, the debate in India more or less stops there with some fleeting references to political developments and debates in more recent years. Particularly instructive is the debate in the United
A person assumes an awesome responsibility when he makes such a claim. It must be a grave and intrinsically moral issue. Advocacy of a policy on legislation does not justify violation of the law on coercive fasts. In the final analysis: “The state must tolerate the individual's dissent, appropriately expressed. The individual must tolerate the majority's verdict when and as it is settled in accordance with the laws and the procedures that have been established. Dissent and dissenters have no monopoly on freedom. They must tolerate opposition. They must accept dissent from their dissent.”
But would Gandhi himself have approved of satyagraha in a free India? Evidence has come to light which suggests clearly that he would not have. Only last month this writer discovered in the invaluable treasure house of the great institution, the Nehru Memorial Museum & Library (NMML) in New Delhi, a document which clinches the issue. It was the transcript of an interview in the Oral History Programme of my guru at the Bar, Purshottam Trikamdas. He was secretary to Gandhi in 1919; joint secretary of the Swaraj Party and president of the Socialist Party in 1948 before he became one of the leaders of the Supreme Court Bar. This is what he told the NMML's interviewers K.P. Rangacharya and Hari Dev Sharma on October 9, 1967: “After Gandhiji was released and we had the Poona Conference over which M.S. Aney, who was then the Acting President of the Congress, presided, I tried to meet Gandhiji but his nephew prevented me from meeting him because he knew my views to which I shall refer presently. Anyway, Aney was good enough to invite me to that meeting of Congressmen….
“I went up to Gandhiji at the end of the meeting and I said, ‘I am trying to meet you and your nephew is preventing me from meeting you.' He said, ‘No, no, nobody can do that. You come and see me.' I would like to mention that in my speech I had said, ‘I do not know what card Gandhiji had up his sleeve.' I was amused to find that some people thought this to be disrespectful because Gandhiji never played cards.
“When I went to him the next day, he showed me the letter which he had prepared for being dispatched to the Viceroy. In the letter, he had mentioned that satyagraha must be recognised as a constitutional right. So, I said to Gandhiji with utmost respect, ‘Several views have been expressed for framing our Constitution. Tomorrow, when India is free, would you say that satyagraha is a constitutional right and write it into the Constitution. And, if we do, what does it mean? It means that anybody can break the law with impunity and nothing could be done. Actually, it would be contrary to your own ideas. Satyagraha, you say, means disobeying authority and facing the consequences. Now, if satyagraha is a constitutional right and it is permitted, what are the consequences to face?' It would be said to the credit of the great man that he started thinking and he said, ‘ There is something in what you say.' Next day, he sent for me and said, ‘ You are right. I have decided not to send that letter.' Such was the greatness of the man; he always kept an open mind. After he had actually drafted the letter and finalised it, he said, ‘I am not sending it.'”

If I controlled the Internet

If I controlled the Internet
You could auction your broken heart on eBay
Take the money, go to Amazon
Buy a phonebook for a country you’ve never been too
Call folks at random till you find somebody that flirts really well in a foreign language.

If I were in charge of the Internet you could mapquest your lover’s mood swings
Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied, u-turn on silent treatment
all the way back to Tongue Kissing and Good Loving.
You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.

Some days I’m as shallow as a baking pan
but i still stretch miles in all directions
If I Owned The Internet
Napster
Monster and
Friendster dot com
would be one big website.

That way you could listen to cool music while you pretend to look for a job and you’re really just chatting with your pals! heck,
If I ran the web — you could email dead people.

They would not email you back.

but you’d get an automated reply.
their name in your inbox, that’s all you wanted anyway
and a message saying, hey it’s me…
I MISS YOU. Listen you’ll see being dead is, dandy
now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving, candy.

If I designed the internet, Childhood.com would be a loop. of a boy. in an orchard.
With a ski-pole for a sword, trashcan lid for a shield shouting
I AM THE EMPEROR OF ORANGES
I AM THE EMPEROR OF ORANGES
I AM THE EMPEROR OF ORANGES
now follow me ok?
Grandma dot com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit bath instructions (1, 2, 3)
that links with…
Hot Diggity Dog dot com that is my grandfather
they take you to
Gruff ex-cop on his forth marriage dot dad
he forms an attachment to
Kinda ditzy but still sends gingersnaps for christmas dot mom
who downloads
The Boy In The Orchard
The Emperor of Oranges
who grows up to be
me
the guy who usually goes too far
so if I were Emperor of the Internet, I guess I’d still be mortal huh?

But at that point, I would probably already have the lowest possible mortgage
and the most enlarged possible penis
so, I would Outlaw spam on my first day in office,
I wouldn’t need it!
I’d be like some kind of Internet Genius.
and me? I’d like to upgrade, to deity and maybe just like that.

I’d go wireless.
ehhh? Maybe GOOGLE would hire this
i could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus
until the world wide web is as wise as wild and as organized
as I think a modern day miracle slash oracle can get, but
ohhhew weeeeee, you wanna bet
just how wack and un-PC your Mac or PC’s gonna be when I’m rocking hot shit hot shot GOD dot net

I guess it’s just like life. It is not a question of IF you can, it’s do ya…
We can interfere with the Interface
We can make you’ve got hallelujah the national anthem of cyberspace.
Every lucky time we log on.

You don’t say a prayer,
You don’t write a psalm,
You don’t chant an ommmmmmm
You send one blessed email

to
Whoever you’re thinking of
at
daddle a da da daa daa didaddle-la-daddle-la-daddle-la-da daddle da
dot com.



Spoken word piece by LA-based poet Rives